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Sorry Jennifer Garner, Angelina Jolie and Bradley Cooper Might Be Dating

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | September 3, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | September 3, 2019 |


Another day, another Bradley Cooper dating rumor. Either his publicists are working overtime, or someone (or something) wants us to keep our eye on Cooper’s dating life so they can accomplish whatever it is they’re trying to unleash this world. Hold that thought.

Yes, friends, the newest lady to be rumored in the Coopster’s snares is none other than Angelina Jolie.

Per Gossip Cop (which is vehemently denying the rumors, btw. What do they not want you to know, here?!) the Austrialian gossip rag New Idea is convinced the two are becoming one, Spice Girls style, for a very simple reason. I’ll let them explain (and debunk, but remember, question everything.)

“Brangelina 2.0” reads a headline in the latest issue of New Idea, which suggests that Cooper is replacing Brad Pitt as the new “Brad” in Jolie’s life. The accompanying article says the two stars have been “enjoying each other’s company” lately, but the magazine doesn’t bother to explain how they met or what they’ve supposedly been doing together.

The outlet then notes that Jolie and Cooper were both at Disneyland on August 23. The actress went to the theme park with her four youngest kids while the actor was there with his two-year-old daughter. It was completely coincidental and there’s no indication the two stars crossed paths at Disneyland. However, the unreliable outlet suggests that Cooper followed Jolie to the theme park in an effort to get “closer” to her.

Ok, simmer down now Gossip Cop. Let’s get to the real truth here.

First off, you don’t know if the reason Coop followed Jolie to Disneyland wasn’t a matter of national security, OK?! Second off, stranger things have happened, like a panda riding a skateboard while listening to Hall and Oates. Don’t be so quick to discount, is all I’m saying.

Now, look, if you’re asking me point blank if I think Cooper and Jolie are dating? I’m going to side with Gossip Cop here, but not with their reasoning.

See, as you probably already know, I think Cooper’s dating life is intrinsically linked to the plot the mole people (you know, the mole people, the subterranean humanoid race that lives beneath the earth’s surface that is silently plotting to one day come above ground and claim what’s theirs? Those mole people??)

Why am I saying this, you might be wondering what’s going on (the savvier amongst us are already nodding their head emphatically and also, eating a ham sandwich because it’s always lunchtime when you know the truth.) I mean, it’s very obvious to me, but I’ve been studying the mole people through my crystal’s vibrations for at least the past two of my lifetimes here, so I guess it comes naturally.

It’s all in the location, friends. Disneyland. The house of mouse. You know who eats mice? Moles.

Is the picture starting to become clear?

It’s natural to believe that if moles eat mice, mice may want to fight back. To do that, you’ll need a large place to congregate and speak freely. What if, just what if—a man with the last name of Disney knew about the mole people all the way back in the early ’50s when Disneyland was being constructed, and maybe, just maybe, he decided to create a place where people could come together to discuss freely the threat mole people pose to our entire existence. Wouldn’t it make sense, then, that people who are actively trying to thwart the mole people uprising wouldn’t want to come to headquarters that are loud, packed, and thus, cannot be eavesdropped on by the mole people’s special sonic abilities to discuss how to stop said mole people?

Could it be that Bradley Cooper is on a one-man crusade to singlehandedly get every woman in the public spotlight aware of the threat the mole people pose and have them join the mole people resistance? Then it makes perfect sense he would find Angelina Jolie at Disneyland to discuss the threat. It’s his own personal grassroots effort to save the world. Obviously the mole people are on to Cooper-Looper and are planting lots of silly dating stories in the media to hide the truth and discount his surprising knowledge on all things mole people and their nefarious ways.

I mean, what is more plausible here? Someone made up this thin story for clicks, or that Bradley Cooper is going to save us all?

I rest my case.

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Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.

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