I don’t know what type of life style you have that you’re in a Secret Santa pool with Jason Statham—but you are, and you drew him, and now you don’t know what to do. The pressure is mounting, because you have less than a week to get him the perfect gift, or else you risk disappointing him. You mess this one up bud, and you’re off the guest list, you’re off the pub trivia team, and you’re off his funny email forwards list forever.
The stakes have never been higher.
Maybe you should have thought about this before you entered into a Secret Santa pool where there was even a slight possibility you could draw Jason Statham. Everyone knows he’s one of the hardest celebs in Hollywood to shop for. I’m not here to shame you. That comes later, when I’m shouting outside your bedroom window “What, all of a sudden because you know Jason Statham, you think you’re better than me?! YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME!”
No, right now, I’m here to help you. Mainly because I don’t want Jason’s Christmas ruined by a thoughtless gift. You flew too close to the sun on this one, friend. It’s fine. It’s fine. I just need to calm myself down. I take this very seriously.
Ok. That’s better. I’m calm.
Ok, so first off, you absolutely cannot get that man a gift card. Gift cards are for when you can’t think of what to get someone, so you put a monetary value on what they mean to you. Plus, I’m like 90 percent sure that he has enough Starbucks credit to last him a lifetime. He’s a movie star after all, or did you forget that!?
No, you need to get him something that says—“I thought about you, but not too much, because that would be weird.” Unless you’re in his inner circle, and then you need to call up Oasis and beg them to write a song about how great he is by tomorrow. That’s the perfect gift for basically anyone born in England. Unless you’re Noel or Liam Gallagher. Then it’s just work.
…and don’t you DARE go to the Rock and ask him for advice, just because they’re filming a movie together and he might have the inside scoop. The Rock has his own problems to think about, you leave that man alone. He has like 5 whole pizzas he has to eat today, he does not have time for your petty problems, even if he is a friend to Statham.
Ok, I understand there is a budget for his gift, even though when it comes to Jason Statham you should spare no expense. That said, he’s not into material things as much as he would prefer a gift that spoke to your relationship with him.
So let’s run down his list of expressed interests to see if there’s anything there: Diving. Working out. Making movies. Being handsome.
Is anything sparking inspiration for you?
Ok. I didn’t want to have to go there, but I think I have the perfect Secret Santa gift for him—and I want you to know, I’m only doing this for him, not for you. I always thought this would be the gift I give him when I finally got the chance, but it’s Christmas, and Christmas is about being kind, selfless, and making sure Jason Statham is happy, so here goes.
You need to go to the best, and I mean the BEST caricature artist you can find. Usually they are on the sidewalk on Saturdays downtown—and you need to commission them to do art. You need to ask them to draw a picture of you and Jason, on the beach, with a shark in the background. Jason will be weightlifting you above his head, while a big shark is in the water on the horizon. Jason needs to look happy, and you need to look at the shark. Then, you ask the artist to draw a speech bubble in the BEST comic sans font they can muster, and have you go “Eeek!”
Then you need to have the artist draw a speech bubble next to Jason and have him say “I got you.”
Go to the frame store, and buy a simple black frame, because Jason has a modern, sleek aesthetic, and present it to him.
I guarantee you he will love it.
Don’t be surprised if the the Rock copies your idea, and presents his own drawing in a few days. The Rock is a man of many talents, but gift giving isn’t in the top ten.
There you have it. The pefect Secret Santa gift for Jason Statham. You can thank me later. Or now, by giving me Jason’s phone number so I can text him about this dream I had last night. I mean, he wasn’t in it, but I think he would find it interesting. People love it when you tell them about your dreams.
It’s up to you.
Header Image Source: Getty