So, you have just been born to incredibly rich and famous parents. Congratulations! You are very special, much more special than normal, less wealthy and popular babies. It is important you know this now, lest the “normies” try to infect you with their poor germs and make you one of them.
Here are other helpful tips to enjoy your new life as the most important thing a team of nannies will ever raise.
1. You are an accessory.
This may seem harsh, particularly when you are ripped from the loving arms of Consuela so that the skinny lady you rarely see can pick you up in front of cameras, but you will get used to it. See, you were made so that mommy and daddy could seem like real people (but not *too* real. Let’s not get crazy and pedestrian here.) and become more accessible to their audiences, or to fill a void bored mommy and daddy had before they got tired of having to pay attention to other things. It happens to lots of babies in your position. God willing, you will be loved by someone. Perhaps a monocled butler, or a Trinidadian child care expert. And, at the very least, you’ll have lots of fun toys and get to go to really expensive schools where they teach things like Latin and snowboarding.
2. The details of your creation will forever be shrouded in mystery.
Perhaps one or both of your parents are allegedly gay, or one is definitely gay and the other a robot, or maybe you were merely the product of a top secret surrogate, hidden from view so people could focus on mommy’s pillow. Any way you cut it, you are a little miracle, and the best part of miracles is that we never truly know the deep mystical secrets behind them. There may be whispers of turkey basters, or lookalike sisters mysteriously unseen for 8 or 9 months, but, ultimately, your mommy and daddy will release statements proclaiming your natural entrance into the world (which is adorable, because some famous mommies barely walk on their own, let alone push a baby out) and people will forget that you look a little bit like mommy’s ex-boyfriend from those Pie movies.
3. You will be allowed to wear, be and do whatever you want. Even at two.
Do you know Suri Cruise? Of course you do. She’s the four-year-old who’s already mean-texting you and calling you a slut. Well, she gets to wear high heels and never wears a coat and drank out of a bottle until last week. Because, again, she is more specialer than other babies and so are you.
4. Bad men will take your picture. But it’s okay. Usually mommy and daddy made a deal with them.
You may be scared of all the flashing cameras and the bearded men trying to get upskirt shots of mommy, or, frankly, probably you once you hit five or six because these guys are slime. But, usually, mommy and daddy’s agents called and alerted these men where you’d be so that they can take your pretty picture and make sure all the people around the world know that a) you’re such a happy family, b) a scandal is no big deal or c) mommy and daddy’s marriage isn’t in trouble and those strippers meant nothing.
5. Other people can eat a dick.
Again, you are the most important thing that’s ever happened to the world. That’s why those normal people (we just call anyone who pulls in less than ten million a year “poor hobos”) really don’t need to see their babies in the NICU, or stay in a hospital room that isn’t made it gold and silk or exist on the same planet as mommy and daddy (science is working on that last one).
With these guidelines, you will live a healthy, happy existence as the product (or by-product) of two extremely wealthy, famous and crazy people. There will be times you’ll wish you could have been born to someone, anyone, mildly less famous, as it’s the really big fame that causes the crazy, but, someday, when you’re handed a clothing line or record deal, you’ll thank them.
Godspeed, tiny future nightmare. Godspeed.