So, You Want to Sell a Sex Tape
And why wouldn’t you? You’re a morally reprehensible, wretchedly lazy individual, a living argument for a rigorous system of required standardized testing prior to being approved to reproduce human children. Let’s make dreams come true!
1. Are you prepared to ruin innocent lives to make this a reality?
Of course you are! You’re awful! So, assuming you’re a teen girl, get pregnant, have a baby, be generally terrible to said baby and your parents. You might think, “but, Courtney, shouldn’t I not be doing those things?” Trust me, you will be rewarded greatly.
2. Get reality show deal.
This will be the easiest part. MTV literally just gives these things away. I went into Target on Earth Day and they gave me a reusable bag, I opened it, BOOM, MTV was in there and gave me a reality show. I’m gonna go inject Mod Podge into my booby sacks and then start filming.
3. Buy new face/body with reality show money, rather than spending it on frivolous things, like college or your child.
To ensure that the boobs get the maximum amount of attention, the face should really be, at best, a lateral move. Let’s be real — that mug ain’t the moneymaker here.
4. Put on bikini. Call paparazzi. Pose, dress and act naturally, so no one realizes you called said paparazzi yourself.
4. Make sex. Film it.
Preferably with a professional porn actor, so you can really push home the “this was a personal sex tape!” message in the most laughable way possible.
5. Sell to the highest bidder.
Fist (EDIT: typo stays FOREVER), you’ll need to negotiate. Bring your small child. Works every time. Then, profit!
The bids will, apparently, be high. Upwards of one million dollars. Because, as terrible as you are, other people are terrible, too! Society! Profit! Business money success! Boo dignity!
6. Somehow, still manage to not be the worst of the Teen Moms.
I think the Kesha one who had and/or faked a miscarriage on Twitter and has been arrested for assault and heroin and all manner of demonry multiple times takes that one. She also wins the prize for Most School Picturiest Mug Shots.
Damn, girl, you’re good.