So You Want to Do Porn, Robert Pattinson Edition

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | January 2, 2020 |

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | January 2, 2020 |

Ah, it’s a new year, which means new goals, and potentially a new you. What a thrill! January is a time for new beginnings, and if you’re Robert Pattison (heyyyyy, Rob) it also means you may be exploring new career opportunities, specifically, one in the pornography industry.

Let me explain.

Recently R.Patz (Team Edward 4-Eva!) said that if acting doesn’t work out, he’d be turning to pornography as a career. Don’t believe me? Here’s a direct quote that you can hang on your fridge, as an inspiration mantra for the coming year, on what he should do, if his Batman doesn’t do well. Per Entertainment Weekly:

Pattinson went on to clarify that despite any outside pressure to perform well in the role, “there is no harsher critic of myself than myself, so I don’t need to worry about anyone else.”

Then, he makes his career ultimatum. What will happen if we’re not hot for his version of Batman? “Porn,” he joked. “But art-house porn.”

Look, I’m not one to hope anyone fails in what they set out to do, but I am very pragmatic, and well, Affleck was done after a few movies, so the track record for Pattinson isn’t great, is it?! Nope. So here we are, and as I am nothing if not an agent of chaos and a helpful person, I decided to put together a list of tips for Robert Pattinson should he opt to enter into the porn industry. You may ask me what my qualifications are for this, and I will simply tell you what I tell anyone who questions me about anything: Come back with a warrant.

Let’s get to it!

Start Slow

If you decide to do porn, you may want to go all-in and star in a movie right off the bat. Don’t do that! Start small and start slow. Make sure this is the right career path for you. Get comfortable on set, and make sure that you’re OK with the limitations a porn script has for you. After all, you will not be uttering such classic lines as “Hold on, spider monkey” or “You’re my own personal brand of heroin” like you did in Twilight. No, the script will probably be a lot better different, so make sure you’re comfortable with that.

Be Prepared to Do a Lot of Vampire Porn. Like, a Lot a Lot.

Look, Rob. There is an unavoidable truth here, and that is that you are forever linked to Twlight, and as such, you will be asked, a lot, like, a lot a lot to do some vampire porn. They may have to create a new category for you at the AVNs — “Best Vampire Porn Male Lead” — just to encapsulate how much vampire porn you will be asked to do. Are you OK with that? Make your peace now, or go into catering instead.

Think Of Your Porn Name NOW

There is nothing worse than when someone gives you a nickname, and I’m pretty sure you need a professional name when you start working in porn, so you need to figure out what your new name is, now. All I can come up with is “ThRob Pattiwang” so don’t look to me, OK? Porn names aren’t my strong suit. Making simple, mediocre nachos is, but you’re not looking for unsolicited advice about that, are you?

Create Your Own Niche

Sure, as I stated above, the chances of you being asked to create porn versions of all your movies is high. That said, you should also come into the industry with your own thing. May I suggest you bill yourself as the magician porn star? As far as I know, there are not a lot of them out there, and I really think you could create a name for yourself, outside of the obvious audience your star power would bring, if you were to insist on doing magic tricks illusions in your movies.

Well, Rob, there you have it. Your own personal guide to entering into porn. Let me know if you need something else. Perhaps you need a step-by-step guide to organizing your medicine cabinet? Let me know, and good luck in 2020, friend. You’ll always have a friend someone who will give you unnecessary advice that I share with the world and not directly with you, in me. 🙌🙌