I don’t follow football, I rarely watch football games on television or in person, and I don’t participate in fantasy leagues. I’ll tell you what though, after reading his glorious #GamerGate diatribe, if the former Minnesota Vikings player ever comes out of retirement — I’ll watch him.
It’s a little unfair of me to even attempt breaking down the brilliance; reading the piece in its entirety is (for me, anyway) a written adrenaline rush that made me feel like Tom Cruise-ing my couch. For instance, here’s Kluwe’s opening:
Do you know why you piss me the fuck off?
Because you’re lazy. You’re ignorant. You are a blithering collection of wannabe Wikipedia philosophers, drunk on your own buzzwords, incapable of forming an original thought. You display a lack of knowledge stunning in its scope, a fundamental disregard of history and human nature so pronounced that makes me wonder if lead paint is a key component of your diet. You think you’re making piercing arguments when, in actuality, you’re throwing a temper tantrum that would embarrass a three-year-old.”
A warm feeling is already spreading through your body, isn’t it? You know it’s going to be good. After a little #Gamergate primer to inform those who may have been out of country, Kluwe goes on:
“There’s this herd of people, mainly angsty teenage caucasian men (based on an informal survey of 99 percent of the people who feel the need to defend this nonsense to me on Twitter), who feel that somehow, their identity as “gamers” is being taken away. Like they’re all little Anne Franks, hiding in their basements from the PC Nazis and Social Justice Warrior brigades, desperately protecting the last shreds of “core gaming” in their unironically horrible Liveblog journals filled with patently obvious white privilege and poorly disguised misogyny.”
Did you just have a little braingasm? I did.
After laying out a bit of a gameresume, and cheering the — if you will — rise of the machines, Kluwe kicks it into high gear. You really, really need to read the whole thing, but I’d like to highlight some of my favorite tidbits:
“You slopebrowed weaseldicks with zero reading comprehension and even less critical thinking skills…”
“…basement-dwelling, cheetos-huffing, poopsock-sniffing douchepistol…”
“When people — everyday people who watch the coverage on CNN of Anita Sarkeesian having to cancel a speaking engagement due to death threats — think of “gamers,” they are going to think of you, and that irritates me. It enrages me. I want to punch down a wall, and I like my walls. They’re nicely painted.”
“You, #Gamergaters, with your bilious Internet rage, you think you’re speaking for some core demographic, some historic legacy, but you’re not. You’re speaking for a lie trapped inside your mind; a lie that one somehow has to be “hardcore” in order to appreciate games; a lie formed by social ineptitude and too much time spent picturing yourself as the only creature that matters in the universe. A lie about male power and privilege, and how dare those women try to ruin your fun? (No matter whose expense you’re having it at). The lie you tell yourselves is one completely incapable of recognizing just how far society has come — that equality is important, and that the tech industry has been misogynistic for a very long time, and that we need to change that, and we’re in the process of doing so, despite the mouthvomits you like to pretend are logical trains of thought.”
It’s fantastic to see someone with Kluwe’s long gaming history so eloquently and engagingly speak to the heart of the matter, unconcerned by the shitstorm that’s sure to blow his way. Read on! I promise you won’t regret it, and afterwards, you might be so invigorated you’ll want to Cruise up your couch, too.
(via The Mary Sue)