Today has been a day for England, friends—and while we need to keep a wary eye on our ally, we also need to accept if things keep getting wackier, Birdbox is real, the monsters are coming, and it’s everyone for themselves, and oh my god run for your lives. My one-time-home has, in a word, gone “crazy-bananapants.” (Yes, that’s one word because I used a hyphen and no spaces and will hear no complaints that would make me think otherwise.)
First, The Lancashire Post is adamant that there is a resemblance between a pothole and Paul McCartney…
Ok, I will be honest. At first, I only saw a pothole, and then I spent an hour kicking myself, because I realized that after 30-odd plus years of existence, I had missed out on a very obscure but maybe effective method of divination—the pothole way. I could have decided who to go to prom with, what college to go to, and even what pizza to order by staring into a pothole to get my answer. I’ve wasted my life up until this point, friends, but I digress.
So a paper thinks a pothole looks like Paul McCartney, which is typical—he’s always getting the attention. What about George?
After much deliberation, and consulting my own pothole for guidance, I can categorically tell you that the pothole in question does not look like Paul McCartney from the Beatles, but instead, Neil Innes from The Rutles.
An easy mistake to make but still, the march of weirdness continued.
Next, I had to turn my attention to Meghan Markle’s knees, which honestly didn’t take time out of my day, because I usually spend the twelve o’clock hour in silent meditation, staring at her knees. It’s where my best ideas come from.
Anyway, yesterday her knees apparently had a portrait of her niece and nephew, Princess Charlotte and Prince George.
More important breaking news from @TheSun.— Stefan Simanowitz (@StefSimanowitz) January 17, 2019
”#MeghanMarkle wore a short grey dress that showed off her knees…which bore a bizarre yet uncanny resemblance to Princess Charlotte & Prince George.” https://t.co/qgp4ZYzGxl pic.twitter.com/aVNeZtUwJF
Ok, so this was news to me, I guess my knee portrait was older because I have never seen either children’s faces in Meghan Markle’s knees. Prize-winning chili recipes and lotto numbers, yes, absolutely. Faces of children? Not usually.
I mean, it’s pretty obvious whose face is in the knee, but if I have to spell it out for you, I will. Its obviously N-e-i-l I-n-n-e-s f-r-o-m T-h-e R-u-t-l-e-s. Duh.
Finally, in news surprising to everyone and no one at the same time, Prince Phillip rolled his car over in a crash today. While this is obviously a very concerning matter, he is ok. The cause of the crash is still not available yet, so I consulted another pothole and can exclusively tell you that it told me the cause of the crash was none other than our old friend from The Rutles, John Halsey—who stepped out in front of the Prince’s car because he was looking for his old friend Neil Innes, on the roadway. (Note: I debated whether to include a comma between “Innes” and “on” because I’m slightly unsure whether he was looking for Innes in a pothole, or the physical manifestation of Innes on the roadway.)
So, friends, there’s no need to resort to martial law yet (unless you’re into that sort of thing) and it seems that the insanity that is plaguing England, Brexit aside, is entirely related to the Beatles pastiche band The Rutles. Since they don’t have a North American tour scheduled anytime soon, it’s probably safe to say this level of bananapants is contained to the UK. But if you happen to look out your window tonight and see Neil Innes staring wordlessly into your room…
Run far away, because they’re coming, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. I’ll meet you at our designated safe home—the Margaritaville on CityWalk. I mean it won’t keep us safe, but at least we’ll go out with a medicore margarita in our hands, and a balloon hat on our heads.
Play us out, Neil!
Header Image Source: Getty