Seriously, where the fuck are the rest of the horsemen already? Just take us and be done with it.
That Jersey Shore show’s Snooki monster, whose real name I’m 95 percent certain is Enrico Pallazzo, the one who looks like a shaved bear cub who uses oily Alli poo as spray tan, has signed a book deal. Her book will be called A Shore Thing, it will sell a shitload of copies, and then I will take a leisurely bath with my clock radio.
The precedent has already been set. Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, and Lauren Conrad from that The Hills mess that did that Speidi thing to us are all bestselling authors. In the case of Richie and Conrad, bestselling authors twice over.
This is a line from the Pulitzer-eligible tome LA Candy by Lauren Conrad.
She couldn’t wait to begin enjoying her new job, new boys, new adventures, new everything. She and Scarlett were going to have so much fun. … Moving to LA, putting off college for the Fiona Chen internship… all of it was meant to shake things up, to make room for something new and amazing in her life.
The book also includes the terms WTF, bff and the word “Soooo.” It’s a Massengil kind of book.
Look, somewhere around Twilight I lost my ability to say, “Well, at least people are reading.” Because while they are literally looking at pages, combining letter sounds together and developing words with their brains, they are not, in any way, thinking. I refuse to believe that Snickers thing knows how to read (in an interview, she stated she’s only read two books - Twilight and Dear John. This means one of two things: she’s lying to sound stupid cute, or The Notebook was just too smart for her.)
I’m not saying we all need to read the collected works of Dostoevsky every time we have a lunch break or hop on a plane, but Jesus, do we have to actively dumb down reading? One of the few things smart people are supposed to have left in the world?
The stupidfication of womankind should not be celebrated by the literary community. It is no longer okay to think “better they read this than nothing.” There is no A for effort here. Given the choice, fuck it, just watch MTV. You’ll probably come out smarter.