The Winner of the Latest GOP Debate Was, Hands Down, Patton Oswalt

During this week’s GOP debate, a lot of nonsense went down. While the candidates spewed their predictable blather, CNBC— who hosted the event— didn’t come off looking all that great either. A major low point was when the candidates were asked about their feelings on fantasy football sites like DraftKings and FanDuel (which have been in the news lately as an investigation is launched into what basically amounts to insider fantasy trading among the sites’ employees). Now, a lot of people (myself included) think this is an issue worth being addressed. But when other major issues go ignored, the question can’t help but sound frivolous.

That’s what Chris Christie thought, who went on a pretty solid rant at the question.

“Are we really talking about getting the government involved in fantasy football?” Christie asked. “We have $19 trillion in debt, we have people out of work, we have ISIS and Al-Qaeda attacking us and we’re talking about fantasy football?

“How about we get the government to do what they are supposed to be doing?” Christie continued after being showered with applause. “Secure our borders, protect our people and support American values and American families.”

You know who else found the question ridiculous? Patton Owsalt. Ridiculous enough to have an equally absurd response.

Fantasy football?! Fuck you, @cnbc. I'm gonna rate these candidates with D&D stats. #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Does this make sense? As much sense as anything else that goes down at a GOP debate.

Ted Cruz = dwarf cleric with 3 Charisma. #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

John Kasich = level 4 fighter with standard plate armor and a standard long sword, 10 strength #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Chris Christie = shambling mound #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Carly Fiorinia = level 5 Drow elf with a + 1 Ring of Vampiric rrgeneration #GOPdebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Rand Paul = halfling thief #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Jeb Bush = NPC with 8s in all attributes and leather armor #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Ben Carson = necromancer, 19 intelligence, 4 wisdom #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Marco Rubio = paladin, 18 charisma, all other stats 9, cursed broadsword #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Mike Huckabee = gelatinous cube #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Trump = level 21 demi-liche, Lamarkin's Rod of Disease, Cloak of Revulsion #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

There you have it, your hapless band of roving halfwits. What do they have to say for themselves?

Oh boy, here we go. Closing statements. #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"Three tolls on the bell of fate. Seven monsters. The desert writhes." — Rand Paul. #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"The earth will swallow our ashes. The cockroaches will hold sway." — Chris Christie #clostingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"Nothing nothing nothing." *shoots self in head* — Ted Cruz #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"At the center of the universe lies a blind, idiot beast-god. I will be devoured." — Carly Fiorina #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"Let me lead you to the midnight tunnel. We will die and live again. Blood-laughter." — Ben Carson #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"I will eat more pussy than anyone else on this podium. Skynyrd rules." — Donald Trump #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"The shadows. The shadows," — Marcio Rubio #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"Guess I'd be a good pres'dent. I dunno. I don't care. Whatever." — Jeb Bush #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"America is a cronut. Let my mind-heart eat it and turn it into Jesus-turds." — Mike Huckabee #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

"Fuck you. I hope Trump wins and you're all forced to work in his casino whore-stables." — John Kasich #closingstatements #GOPDebate

— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 29, 2015

Alright then. See you all in the whore stables!

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