Remember just the other day when we were marveling over Tom Cruise’s superstardom? He magically slid across The Tonight Show stage, and lip synced his way right past Xenu, straight into the piece of our brains that accepts him as a Movie Star, no matter how wackadoodlish his private life. This being Pajiba, we take our responsibility to present all sides of our celebrities very seriously — ahem:
— and we make NO EXCEPTIONS, not even for Tom Cruise,* Movie Star.
As noted by The Atlantic, while many promotional tours have restrictions on what topics the press can cover while conducting interviews with a project’s stars, Tom Cruise must have his shit on major lockdown. Even though publicity for Mission: Impossible — Rogue Nation marks the actor’s first round of appearances since Alex Gibney’s Going Clear rocked Scientology’s Sea Org boat so hard HBO amassed about 160 lawyers ahead of time, nobody has asked Tom a single question about it. Not a mention, not a joke; not even a mocking-faced Jon Stewart sideswipe or allusion has crossed Cruise’s path. What? Stewart played softball with Tom Cruise? Ayup; he’s practically fanboy drooling right onto Tommy’s stacked heels. And, not only that, but The Daily Show interview brought back Creepy Tom — that scary ScienTomogy, whose laughter is the stuff of all your nightmares. Check it:
That Stewart line about the shower wasn’t funny enough to make you crack a smile, but Creepy Tom just laughed and laughed and laughed.
Speaking of, I think I need a shower after watching that. WTF did Stewart even ask Cruise —a bunch of stuff about his diet and keeping in shape? The two men spend nearly seven minutes talking about nothing, while a nervous, silent subtext runs between them. Does Tom possess Xenu’s Advanced Technology for mind control? Is Cruise willing Stewart not to lob a real question with his high-level Scientology powers? Did his people spike Jon’s drink? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a celebrity with a tighter lockdown. And Stewart, man, this is no way to go out. Even if Viacom controls Comedy Central (and Paramount), you’d have done better to call in sick.
*Disclaimer: Anyone who actually reads this piece in its entirety implicitly agrees that any derogatory impression of either Tom Cruise or Scientology was unintended by the author, and clearly an expression of said readers’ internally held bias(es). Neither the author, Pajiba, nor its parent company (Involuntary Basement Holdings, LLC) can be held responsible for any damage(s) caused by readers’ previously held thought patterns, nor any further misunderstandings of either Tom Cruise or Scientology.