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No. Idris Elba's Penis Does Not Have Its Own Zip Code

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 9, 2014 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 9, 2014 |

Ownership does not necessarily make one an expert in such things, so I’m not particularly knowledgeable when it comes to male penis size, shape, and ability to contort itself while at rest. But I feel fairly safe in saying that the idea that Mr. Idris Elba was happy to see anyone in the images below is painfully absurd, emphasis on the “painfully.”

In case you missed it, the following images went viral yesterday.

They went viral, of course, because the same people who are prone to believing that their “eyes are bigger than their stomachs” when they return to the all-you-can-eat buffet for a third time were briefly tantalized by the prospect of a man with a member that is at least 22-inches AT REST and has the abillity, even at that size, to wrap partially around one’s thigh.

That’s not merely a large penis, folks, that’s genetic mutation. Basically, you’re talking about an elephant trunk that cannot be tamed by Hanes Monsteroos that was apparently attempting to snake itself around to the backside to fetch some peanuts. There’s not a Trapper Keeper on the planet that could’ve sufficiently hidden that during Mr. Elba’s high-school years when Mary Sue walked in with the short skirt and the knock-out perfume and bubble-gum combination. The man’s penis could’ve slithered between the elastic waistband and over the top of the Trapper Keeper like a periscope, said hi, and probably waved.

Fortunately, before anyone else got any more ideas about another straight to DVD Python sequel, Mr. Elba put the rumors to rest.

Well, that’s a relief. You know what they say? It’s all fun and games until someone chokes on a mic wire.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.