Cher is 69 today. There’s really only one way to celebrate appropriately (by which I mean completely inappropriately), and that is to remind you, in case you’ve forgotten, that Cher, because she is Cher, has rubbed sex parts with EVERYONE.
(Thanks to llp and emmalita for reminding me that the amazing Tumblr Old Loves exists. Time suck at your own risk, everyone.)
Cher and Beatty had a one night stand in 1962, when Cher was 16 and he was 25. She later called the night “a disappointment.”
Cher and Sonny were married from 1963 to 1973. After their divorce, Cher found out he’d been hugely unfaithful and treated her “more like a golden goose than like his wife.”
Cher and the music mogul were together from 1973 to 1975.
The two were married from 1975 to 1978, only months after meeting. Allman famously said Cher smelled like a mermaid, and now I will never not think that when I see a picture of Cher.
Cher and Gene had an open relationship from 1979 to 1980, which ended when he started seeing Diana Ross.
In 1980, Cher entered her rock phase and started dating her new guitarist. Together they formed the band Black Rose, but Cher called it quits on both the band and the guy not long after.
Cher and the hockey player only dated for about a month in 1982, presumably because no relationship could sustain that much glorious hair.
This is the one I always forget about, which then blows my mind every time. They dated in 1984 (that’s pre-Top Gun Kilmer) for less than a year. Bonus fact: they met when Meryl Streep introduced them.
Cher revealed a few years ago that she secretly dated a wee baby Cruise (he’s 16 years younger than she is) in 1985ish, also for less than a year. Now that Maverick/Ice Man feud makes SO much sense.
Donen is a big movie producer, but when they met, he was Val Kilmer’s agent. Cher has described him as having “the best strengths of all the men I’ve been with.”
Camilletti isn’t a Hollywood player in any sense. He’s a baker (now pilot), 18 years younger than Cher. They were together from 1986 to 1989, and she’s called him “the one true love of her life.”
Cher and the guitarist for Bon Jovi dated for 6 months in 1989.
In 2010, Cher told David Letterman that she had a one night stand with Eric Clapton sometime around 1995.
Cher and the Hell’s Angel 24 years her junior dated from 2008 to 2010 and was rumored to have had plans for a secret wedding a few years later.
Cher has publicly stated regret for turning down two legendary propositions: Marlon Brando and Elvis both wanted her in the 70s and she gave both a thanks but no thanks.
Just a reminder that Cher can, will, and does GET IT.