Normally, when celebrities make the late-night TV rounds it’s because they have some project to promote. But last night, Dax Shepard was on Jimmy Kimmel, not to promote anything, but just to “check in” and tell stories. ALL the stories. Because he not doing a press tour with the usual dozens of appearances, he presumably didn’t feel the need to ration out his anecdotes for different interviews. So Jimmy got them all. And even for Dax, who is a frequent mega-sharer, they were… intimate.
Here’s the video of the interview, with the good bits (pun intended) transcribed below.
First up, he talked about taking his kids to Cuba, where Bell was shooting House of Lies. His job on that trip was to “watch the kids slash take [Kristen’s] ex-stepdad out to see the historic red light district.”
Next, he calls his experience with two children at home the “Tet Offensive.” So do he and Kristen Bell want more kids? Absolutely no fucking way.
Uh, no. Last year, my wife was working in Atlanta. We were there and she all of a sudden goes, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m so stupid. I’ve been sick for 10 days and ignoring it. I’m definitely pregnant.’ And I was like, ‘We’re going to turn into Jon & Kate Plus 8 or something. We already have no life. This is going to be not worth living. I freaked out. It was so bad. That was Tuesday, that happened on Tuesday. And she had to work, so for eight hours we didn’t get a pregnancy test. So for eight hours I was imagining my life with all these kids. That was Tuesday. I flew home Wednesday for a meeting. Thursday morning I had a vasectomy.
Side note: I love that he just follows his wife wherever she’s working. I know travel for work isn’t always as glamorous as it sounds, but he is milking the crap out of these free vacations.
I had a vasectomy and Kristin was not thrilled that I did it so quickly but I’m a man of action and so I was in and out, I was back in Atlanta two days after that shooting a Samsung commercial.
So now when you watch those Samsung commercials with these two, you can now watch with the knowledge that the Dax you’re watching may have newly snipped parts.
So what’s a vasectomy like? Well, if you’re Dax Shepard it involves some anal check-ups—
It’s pretty great, cause they knock you out for it. (P.S. the guy said ‘You want me to check your prostate while you’re out?’ I said, ‘You do everything anal you need to do while I’m out. Leave no stone unturned. I don’t want to hear about any other check-ups for awhile.’)
And some public masturbation. Because three weeks after the procedure, you have to give a sample to see if it’s worked.
You have to take it in, they don’t provide an area there at the urology clinic to service yourself. So you have to bring in a sample. So I had an appointment at 5 o’clock in Beverly Hills and you have to procure your sample within two hours of when you get there. You follow me?
Because they’ll start dying and who will know if they were fertile. So I was working, I had a meeting scheduled at 3, no problem, I’ll have time to go into my office, relax, extract, go to Beverly Hills, I brought a Mason jar with me that I rinsed with extra hot water, it was sterile, I think. So I’m in this meeting—mind you, my best friend is in the meeting, he knows the time crunch that I’m under—and the meeting is going on and on and on, it’s all the presidents of Warner Brothers, and I can’t get out of this meeting and the clock is ticking. All of a sudden I have 15 minutes to get from Burbank to Beverly Hills and procure my sample.
This is the god’s truth. I had to drive crosstown, rush hour, thank god there was heavy traffic on Laurel Canyon so it slowed down enough that I could…
Pause here for insane giggling.
I literally masturbated on Laurel Canyon in heavy traffic into… you’re not just dealing with that, it’d be one thing to just like all, loosey-goosey just go for it, but I have a jar and it’s heavy traffic, it’s very curvy— for y’all who have not been on Laurel Canyon, it’s one of the twister roads in America. It’s hard enough to get through that road while not making love to yourself into a container. Anyways, the great news is I’m sterile.