Please, don’t get me wrong here, folks. I like Michael Sheen. A lot. I like Adam Duritz, a lot (even though, MY GOD, he’s on the cover of AARP now) but both men have had a long and interesting history of dating way, way outside of their leagues, if we’re being superficially objective here. And that’s exactly what I’m being here.
I mean, Duritz has dated Courteney Cox, Mary-Louise Parker, Jennifer Aniston, Monica Potter, Samantha Mathis, Emmy Rossum, and possibly Winona Ryder and Christina Applegate. And this is a guy who has worn dreads all his f**king adult life, irreparably tarnished a Joni Mitchell song, and who looks like this:
The guy who once sang a song about the geographic location of the largest city in Nebraska and the relative length of the last month of the year used to sleep with Winona fucking Ryder.
I never should’ve quit band in high school.
But then there’s Michael Sheen. He’s a super talented guy, I love him in Masters of Sex, and I thought he was great as Tony Blair all three times he played him, although Sheen may be the first actor ever to play a politician who is actually less good looking than the guy he’s been cast as.
I won’t deny, either, that Sheen is mad hot in the Underworld movies. You cannot overestimate the value of a good beard.
But clean-shaven, weak-chinned Michael Sheen looks like a reject from Flock of Seagulls (sorry kids, 80s reference).
As great as that beard in Underworld is, Sheen has also done some very unfortunate experimenting with facial hair. The half-assed stubble. The lead-singer-of-Green-Day. The dead caterpillar. The Jazz-hands flashing villain in the Three Musketeers. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.
And yet, Michael Sheen is a God among women, a guy who could get laid in Hollywood faster than a egg in a hen brothel.
Here’s Exhibits A- F:
A. Michael Sheen and Kate Beckinsale
B. Michael Sheen and ballet dancer Lorraine Stewart
C. Michael Sheen and Rachel McAdams
D. Michael Sheen and Carrie Keagan (rumored)
E. Michael Sheen and Caitlin Fitzgerald (rumored)
F. Michael Sheen and Sarah Silverman
Always remember this, fellas: Confidence will get you everywhere.