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Match the Celebrity to the Super Gross Quote a Male Journalist Has Written About Her

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | July 8, 2016 |

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | July 8, 2016 |

Here’s a new fun* game, inspired by this week’s outrage over the disgusting way Vanity Fair’s Rich Cohen talked about Margot Robbie in his profile of her. That kind of gross combination of negging, leering, and condescension is nothing new to these types of interviews, though. So here are ten female celebrities, and ten quotes from profiles and reviews that men have written. These are all actual words these dudes chose to describe these famous, successful women.

*Well, if you find rage to be fun, it’s super fun.


Click to embiggen, and from left to right (top row, then bottom), that’s: Renee Zellweger, Alicia Silverstone, Angelina Jolie, Emily Ratajkowski, Madonna, Britney Spears, Blake Lively, Megan Fox, Rihanna, and Kate Upton.


1. “Watching [her]… is a bit like watching a purebred, prizewinning Abyssinian wander into a coyote den.”

2. “She tries. But her acting hasn’t yet caught up to her algorithm-generated beauty.”

3. “I just hope it turns out to be a movie that stars [her] rather than a victim of ‘Invasion of the Face Snatchers.’”

4. “She’s the kind of woman you’d draw: curves like a cola bottle, lips like a sphinx. Hell, even your girlfriend thinks she’s hot.”

5. “Savvy bombshells know how to combine sexiness and naiveté in a way that somehow makes ogling them seem like the most innocent thing in the world.”

6. “A third unnamed group that included me couldn’t help but reminisce about [her] defiantly atomic boobs — the two knockers that altered the course of human history.

7. “[She] is a girl you could conceivably date, a girl you did date, even, raised to the highest power. She has the brand-new look of a still-wet painting — touch her and she’ll smudge.”

8. “She says all these wonderful, crazy things, which are most often accompanied by pictures of her in bra and panties, with her pillow-plump lips provocatively parted, and then she goes on about her business like she’s said nothing of interest at all, leaving delighted tabloid editors everywhere dancing in her wake.”

9. “Her hair is pulled back, her lips are full, her eyes huge and alien, her head alien also, too big for her body, for her narrow shoulders and skinny waist—alien in that big-headed Martian way, proportions that Hollywood and conspiracy theorists use to denote species of a higher evolutionary order, whether of good or ill intent.”

10. “[She] extends a honeyed thigh across the length of the sofa, keeping one foot on the floor as she does so. Her blond-streaked hair is piled high,exposing two little diamond earrings on each ear lobe; her face is fully made-up, down to carefully applied lip liner. The BABY PHAT logo of [her] pink T-shirt is distended by her ample chest,and her silky white shorts — with dark blue piping — cling snugly to her hips. She cocks her head and smiles receptively.”









ANSWERS! (For an added bonus, the ones in italics were ALSO written by Rich Cohen, because that guy has been around, being gross, for FOREVER!)

1. Rihanna
2. Blake Lively
3. Renee Zellweger
4. Emily Ratajkowski
5. Kate Upton
6. Madonna
7. Alicia Silverstone
8. Megan Fox
9. Angelina Jolie
10. Britney Spears

H/T Cosmo for the quotes.

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