So you know how it’s pretty much a given that the rich and famous write a fat check to a college to get their stupid kids admitted? Well, what if those wealthy assholes were also not the brightest individuals, so instead, they dumped their money into a clearly fraudulent scheme that spectacularly blew up in their faces? I’m talking a scheme where all of the players read like a vapid Ocean’s 11 team who probably eat paste. Welcome to today’s college admissions scandal that NBC News just cracked open because our timeline wasn’t already sloppy enough with rich assholes cocking everything up. (See: United States, the whole entire)
In a nutshell, forty people, from parents to school officials, were charged in a plot to defraud the admissions process by either doctoring SAT scores — which landed actress Felicity Huffman in cuffs — using Photoshop to pretend potential students are athletes, and some other incredibly stupid shit that I’m sure is buried in the treasure trove of documents.
For example, this mother who expected her contact to forge the “handwriting” of her son, who she openly admits is an idiot:
Which brings us to Lori Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade, who knew about the plot, yet seemed entirely unconcerned that her parents allegedly dropped half a million dollars to scam her and her sister into college because she… *checks notes*… didn’t know how to fill out an application. Cool. Cool cool cool.
After receiving provisional admission based on pretended to row crew, Loughlin's daughter couldn't figure out how to fill out the actual application, so they had the fraudster fill one out for her.— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) March 12, 2019
The scope of laziness and entitlement here is something pic.twitter.com/4Gi8ZXkXcO
And the effort was clearly worth it:
Oh, Loughlin's daughter Olivia gave an interview after being admitted to USC: "I don’t know how much of school I’m gonna attend… But I do want the experience of like game days, partying…I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know." https://t.co/0psWndpoqv— Judd Legum (@JuddLegum) March 12, 2019
Naturally, the Twitter takes have been hot:
Aunt Becky using her rich white privilege to bribe her rich white kids’ way into USC might be the Beckyest thing to ever Becky.— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) March 12, 2019
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: ur child was not accepted to our college— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 12, 2019
FELICITY HUFFMAN: then i will have to do a crime
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: u can just donate some money & we'll let em in
FELICITY HUFFMAN: a crime i shall do
ADMISSIONS OFFICE: just make a donation
FELICITY HUFFMAN: crime time
I got into college the old fashioned way: by letting my father’s celebrity speak for itself.— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) March 12, 2019
When you gotta break aunt Becky out of jail. pic.twitter.com/ouwPjstDnV— Travon Free (@Travon) March 12, 2019
Great stuff, but it needs an oblivious wang who thinks everyone doesn’t know how he got into college and spent the entire time literally pissing himself. Let me see what I got…
I’m learning some new ones as we speak. Stay tuned. https://t.co/ftJjYtMUxt— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) March 12, 2019
Eat the rich.