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Lindsay Lohan, Kris Kardashian and Fake Babies: The Apocalypse Will Be Televised

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | July 16, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | July 16, 2013 |

It is upon us. The end times of television. No, not because that meth show you guys like is ending, or because we’ve lost Donald Glover to the rap scene. The harbingers of the revelations are among us, the two horse-tranq-users of the apocalypse: Kris and Lindsay.

Both, nightmares of human beings. Both, shitshows of televised nonsense that will lead to our very undoing. And, yet, one, the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I think you know which is which.

We’ll start with TV’s answer to a rash on your inner labia, Kris Kardashian’s new talk show. She started off as ONLY a Kardashian could: by attempting to leverage her new grandchild to procure viewers, while using a FAKE BABY to do so. I mean, it was a real baby. But it wasn’t THAT baby, which is to say, North West (still totally the kid’s name, guys). The above photo was posted to both her show’s and her personal Facebook pages with the text “You never know who will stop by our show today!” The grammatically befuddling (I don’t think it’s wrong but it feels wrong) caption, plus the little-seen, dark-haired baby was, of course, designed to make potential viewers think they’d be getting the first-ever glimpse of The Illuminati’s Chosen One.

Alas, it’s just a stylist’s baby. A COMMON RAGAMUFFIN, GUH-ROSS. But the idiots tuned in to check it out anyway. Maybe. I don’t know. I went to YouTube to see how many views she got and got distracted by this search result:

Okay, I’m back. The full episode available on YouTube received over 65,000 views. That’s not huge, but it’s a lot of dumb people. Dumb people are dumb. I hope they trip over their dumb people shoes.

In other news, you’ve probably heard that Oprah made the kind of deal-with-the-devil that only someone truly desperate for ratings could make: a deal with this devil. Yes, following an EXCLUSIVE interview with Lindsay Lohan the literal instant she gets out of rehab and Dina has a chance to slap some Adderall in her hand and some lipgloss on her face. Then, AND THEN!, Oprah is sweetening the pot by giving her an eight-episode “docu-series” which is fancy Oprah talk for reality show.

And Oprah will be paying her TWO MILLION DOLLARS for the privilege. Two million dollars. That’s a lot of rose quartz and sea jasper.

Oh, and if you think I’m not liveblogging the shitting shit out of that, it’s like you don’t even know me.

Of course, I’ll stop the second it seems like maybe, just maybe, Lindsay is actually an unwell addict and not a total asshole of an entitled twatmonster. But I don’t see that happening.

Oh, Oprah. You’re taking the bad path to badness town. And I’m so, so happy to be along for the ride. Thanks, Harpo.

About the Time Bryan Cranston Called the Police to Prevent Himself From Murdering His Girlfriend | 5 Shows After Dark 7/16/13