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Lindsay Lohan in Talks to Play Elizabeth Taylor, and I Tase Myself in a Desperate Effort to Feel Feelings

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | January 10, 2012 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | January 10, 2012 |

I don’t want to sound like I’m okay with this. I’m not. Not even a little bit. But, at this point, it’s like the parents on any given episode of “Intervention.” “Fine, fuck it, have a Norco. Yes, here’s a twenty, too. I am tired and numb to you and your noise.” So I’m going to phone this one in, because I’ve lost the ability to get worked up over Lindsay Lohan and the dipshit decisions of Hollywood. I’ll need to rest my brain as I do so, because it may get a cramp.

There is going to be a movie. But not really because it will be on Lifetime. This movie will be about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It will be called “Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story.” It does not appear to have anything to do with the book Furious Love because Lifetime execs don’t need to read things like books or scripts or anything that indicates how people feel about actors, hence Jennifer Love Hewitt being a real high-level pull for the network.

I have to take a break now because I started to have an emotion and it was exhausting. Deadline will continue with one of their EXCLUSIVES they are super stoked to have.

Lohan, a hot child actress who successfully transitioned into young adult roles with Freaky Friday and Mean Girls, has been largely sidelined from her acting career for the past couple of years by stints in rehab, jail, court rooms and recently, a morgue as part of her community service. Lohan’s most recent credits include the features Machete and Labor Pains and an arc on ABC’s Ugly Betty. Lohan has been compared to Taylor. In addition to their physical resemblance, a 2004 Slate story lists a host of other similarities: “Both had domineering stage mothers, little semblance of a real childhood, fame from a young age, substance abuse issues, public emotional outpourings, and copious amounts of tabloid drama. The key difference, though, is that Elizabeth Taylor had a true record of achievement before she became the most notorious movie star in America.”

By the by, I would just like to take this opportunity to say that the people who work at Deadline and type words into their computer machines cannot actually write for shit. That read like a fourth grader’s book report on Amy Fisher. Also, no. No one compares them, and no there is no physical resemblance. No.

Ooh! It’s happening, you guys! A sensation!

This is just what Lindsay Lohan needs. She’s already been allowed to pretend to be Marilyn Monroe on multiple occasions. Now she’s going to get money to pretend she’s worthy of even sharing the same plane of existence as Liz Taylor, let alone portray her? Can you imagine the bullshit she’ll spout on Twitter about how honored she is to play this icon, while somehow thinking she deserves it as a worthy heir? Those similarities mentioned by Slate and Deadline above? Those barely count as shared traits, particularly when they are shared by 90% of Hollywood. That’s just everyone. And that key difference, that Taylor actually did something before she had her scandals, that’s a big fucking difference. Also, Taylor had just that: scandals. She did not descend into just this side of porn, falling spectacularly to the bottom of the fucking Lifetime barrel. She devoted her life to charity and giving. Lindsay Lohan took a camera crew to India and tweeted about child prostitution for five minutes before she was flown back first class.

So, no, I’m not jazzed about this. Liz is up there already pissed that her last interview was conducted by Kim fucking Kardashian. She doesn’t need this, too. Or, quite possibly, she’s laughing about it. She seemed to have that kind of sense of the ridiculous. Either way, this is stupid.

In a completely unrelated story, I will be liveblogging the shit out of this movie upon its premiere.

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