I don’t know if you’ve heard, because some of you goodly, innocent fools try to protect yourselves from ridiculous nonsense as though I *won’t* storm in and ruin everything for you, but Donald Trump has something to say.
Presumably, it’s something related to Obama’s birth certificate or some other such conspiracy theory bullshit (complete with a plug for the upcoming season of “The Apprentice: All Stars!”). But that’s no fun. Let’s talk about what else it could possibly be.
Tomorrow, Wednesday, October 24, Donald Trump will announce:
Barack Obama was actually born in one of Donald Trump’s split ends.
Barack Obama personally fired Chris Meloni from “Law & Order: SVU.”
Barack Obama canceled “Freaks & Geeks” and told Fox, “you know, that ‘Arrested Development’ show just isn’t very relatable.”
Barack Obama fucking loves “Family Guy.”
Barack Obama’s favorite director is Michael Bay, and Obama spent six weeks on the set of The Rock as a stand-in for Tony Todd when he needed to leave and appear in the mirror of some girls who watched Candyman at a sleepover.
Barack Obama hates ice cream. And freedom.
Barack Obama once had something to say and didn’t hold a press conference about it, that Socialist son of a bitch.
Barack Obama clips his nails at his cubicle to the utter irritation of Lauren in Accounts Payable.
Barack Obama only hands out Brach’s candies at Halloween.
Barack Obama simply refuses to comb his hair into a tangled web of murder and mystery like the true holy one, Mr. Donald Trump.
Did I mention there’s going to be a new season of “The Apprentice”? There’s going to be a new season of “The Apprentice.”
Barack Obama is a cat person.
Barack Obama’s favorite Pixar movie is Cars.
Donald Trump killed my father. “No,” said Trump. “I am your father.”
Barack Obama was responsible for the oil-based murder of Becky the Duck, class pet of Zack Morris and the teens of Bayside High.
Barack Obama is a total Samantha.
Barack Obama is not, in fact, ready for this jelly.
Barack Obama thinks the fifth season of “News Radio” is its strongest.
Barack Obama gave Lindsay Lohan her first bump of coke and told her that the biggest problem with her face is that it was too youthful and vibrant.
Barack Obama introduced Tom and Katie.
Barack Obama never changes the toilet paper roll.
Mitt Romney only shits cupcake frosting, so he doesn’t ever need to switch the toilet paper roll, and you’re a gotcha journalist for even posing the question, you fuck.
“The Apprentice.” It’s coming back. Get the fuck right ready, bitches. Remember Omarosa? She was a person and everything.
Now, of course the most newsworthy thing about any of this is that there are some people—albeit, only a handful (but they exist—I’ve seen them on the Facebooks)—who still actually take Donald Trump seriously even though he’s a hideous gasbag of a human being and a worse business leader than Simba’s Uncle Scar. But I look forward to this fount of epic idiocy. Because what would this great country be without truly crazy motherfuckers with the ability to speak in major public forums. USA! USA!