UGH, THAT FUCKING GUY. Even if I didn’t loathe his body of work, look at that face. I never want to stop punching it. It is as though it was systematically designed for netherworldian purposes of evil to make me want to tenderize it repeatedly with my fists like it’s a tough sirloin, and because he looks like a giant, terrible baby, I feel kind of guilty about it, because that’s exactly what the devil wants and the greatest lie he ever told was convincing us he wasn’t a “Family Guy” fan.
Barbara Walters has released seven tenths of her “Most Fascinating” list, her annual laughably attempted jaunt into with-it-ness that always flails tragically like a fat swan with a crooked wing. This year is most likely no different. I’ve bolded the eyebrow-cockingest ones for your convenience.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Family Guy creator and 2013 Oscar host Seth MacFarlane
Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie
Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas
The unbolded ones, totes. Thumbs up. Good on you. The bolded ones? Yeeeahhh. Let’s look more closely.
Seth MacFarlane. Dude had a good year with Ted. Some people liked it. Some people like lots of things. That’s fine. Whatever. It doesn’t change the fact that he is the one trickiest pony in Hollywood and his big bad way to get back at Matt and Trey for that “South Park” episode was to make an anal sex joke in a DVD commentary, and then totally miss the point of their whole Muhammad thing in the dumbest possible way because he’s dumb. But, whatever. I’m not bitter.
E.L. James. Sigh. I am sick of the way that criticism about this book has somehow morphed into derisively calling it mommy porn, because if a middle aged woman wants to buzz one out while reading about Patrick Bateman’s inbred basement brother with a set of anal beads, so be it. Whatever gets you there. My problem is the same problem I have with Twilight: the national obsession with terrible fucking writing interspersed with a cursory at best and hungrily timid notion of sex. Jesus god. If you can’t say ass or vagina, you do not get to write about stuff being stuck up in them.
One Direction. I’m going to pretend for a moment like that “Beautiful” song isn’t on my workout mix and focus more on the fact that you could line up every single current boy band and I would not be able to tell you what band any of them belong to, or, in fact, name a single current boy band besides One Direction. And that makes me feel good about myself. In related news, THE FUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS HAVE A NEW CHRISTMAS SONG, so that’s what I’ll be doing for the next six weeks if you need me.
So, that’s seven. Who are the other three?
Your turn. Who do you think it will be?