Nobody Wants to Perform at King Charles' Coronation

King Charles III’s coronation is next month and the British media is being extremely normal about it. Ha, I wish. Things are weird over here. Well, even more so than usual. The big day is set for May 6, with a three-day weekend of celebrations planned. The Eurovision Song Contest is the following week, which people seem way more excited for, and for good reason. Where Eurovision, which is being hosted in Liverpool, has a slew of stars attached for its week of fun, the coronation seems to be struggling to attract talent.

A coronation concert is planned for May 7, with plans to theme the event on ‘love, respect, and optimism.’ Ha. For several weeks now, there have been reports that major stars were conveniently unavailable for the concert or had politely declined the invitation. Harry Styles apparently said no. Same for Adele and Robbie Williams. The latter is especially hilarious because that guy is currently doing ads for cat food but he knows that there are some ways to sell out too much. Elton John was also reportedly asked, which makes us wonder if Charlie knew that his late ex-wife was good friends with him. Kylie Minogue said no, apparently because she didn’t think it’d be right given the rise in republicanism in her native Australia. Even the Spice Girls reportedly said no to a reunion for the occasion (although I bet Geri ‘Tory Spice’ Horner would have done it on her own had anyone cared to ask.)

So, who did the Windsors land for this historic event? Uh… Lionel Richie? And Katy Perry? And three members of Take That? Truly, I am blinded by the light of this starry line-up.

🎵@BBC announces first performers for #CoronationConcert.

Artists including @TakeThat, @LionelRichie, @KatyPerry, @AndreaBocelli, Sir Bryn Terfel, @FreyaRidings and @AlexisFfrench will grace the stage in the grounds of Windsor Castle on Sunday 7 May.https://t.co/h0AL1m4ILa pic.twitter.com/jJ3AzEMNki

— BBC Studios Press Office (@BBCStudiosPress) April 14, 2023

No offense to Katy Perry but why? It seems notable that they’re struggling to attract British stars to the coronation concert, but they’re hardly bringing in the big guns from America either. It’s not like they got Beyoncé or Lizzo. Instead, it’s a sponsored ad for American Idol. Granted, both Richie and Perry have done work for the Prince’s Trust, so it’s not that weird a choice, but it doesn’t seem as though many people were lining up to offer their services otherwise.

It’s not hard to see why the big acts would say no to the King. He’s not a hugely popular figure and the royal family’s PR has taken a beating in recent years thanks to the racism and coddling of an accused sex offender. We’re in the midst of a crushing cost-of-living crisis and few of us are in the mood for a lavish party centred on a notorious arsehole who threw his own family under the bus. If you’re Adele or Harry Styles, you don’t stand to benefit from being associated with this lot. Wouldn’t you rather perform at Eurovision than the coronation? Even Rita Ora picked the former, and she’ll turn up to the opening of an envelope.

Abolish the monarchy. Replace it with Eurovision.