Because it is my solemn decree that every post on this subject have a soundtrack, this is what you should be playing while reading this one.
For over five years, we thought Katie Holmes was brainwashed by the darkside and had elected to live out her days (those outlined in a series of legal documents, at least) as Tom Cruise’s bride of Xenu, galactic overlord. And she was. She had to be. I mean, re-read this interview from 2005. I had blocked out how goddamn terrifying it was, is. It is safe to say that she was completely gone.
Gone, no more.
Since the announcement that Katie had filed for divorce, the juice has been dripping from the sweet, sweet fruit of gossip. And it is delicious. For, in mere days, Katie has gone from robo-bride to Uma Thurman as The Bride.
Needless to say, it’s been glorious.
First, she rented an apartment in New York, most likely for the purpose of establishing residency so she would have an easier time getting sole custody. She also went back to the publicist she had prior to hooking up with Cruise, at which point he took over her career (and what a splendid job he did) by shackling her to his management. She also fired her security team, appointed by, of course, Tom Cruise. And, while contract jokes are hilarious, word is she really did make a break for it prior to such a legal out, opting for safety, sanity and her daughter’s wellbeing over money (listen closely, Nicole), and leaving Tom Cruise mad, sad, hurt and embarrassed. Because Tom Cruise doesn’t make mistakes.
Scary shit. But, here’s where this gets great. They (and I am assuming you don’t need me to spell out who “they” are, which is good, because I don’t want to be hiding from the unmarked vans myself) can’t touch her. Because we’ll all know exactly who it was. This particular group, no stranger to intimidation, largely protected from those who speak out due to the aura of fear and potential ruin they might incur, is now being watched by every single person in the check-out line at the grocery store. With the simple act of filing for divorce—albeit, in the smartest, most calculated way—Katie has gathered herself an army of supporters and fans, and showed their hand. They can’t touch her, because everyone will know. That’s genius.
Katie Holmes, star of First Daughter, has used five years of rumors, humiliation and chill-inducing control, to wholly villainize a man who was once the biggest A-list star in the whole world.
Seriously. Give this lady some credit. Superb. Look at their respective statements even.
“This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family,” says Holmes’s attorney Jonathan Wolfe. “Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”
Cruise’s rep tells PEOPLE: “Kate has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is concentrating on his three children. Please allow them their privacy.”
Notice that, till the bitter end, he was trying to make “fetch” happen with this “Kate” thing, whereas she called herself “Katie.” Right down to the use of names, these were calculated, carefully worded releases (though his wasn’t that careful—the number of “and”s indicates how rushed it was). He’s going for the sympathy vote; she’s going for the jugular.
And no one is on his side.
You know, I know that celebrity gossip is generally considered tacky fluff. I’ve been doing this here for two years now and I still get at least one “get the celebrity garbage off Pajiba now” comment every couple weeks. But, like it or not, this is news. And, in this case, that’s okay. It’s awesome. Katie Holmes, Joey fucking Potter, is taking on a huge, rich, shady organization that has been known to ruin, or worse, the lives of people who threaten it. And, at least until their PR machine starts fighting back, she’s winning.That is something. Well done, Katie.
And DON’T call her “Kate.”