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Justin Timberlake is a Whiny Penis with Delusions of Acting Grandeur

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | May 23, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | May 23, 2013 |

We need to just deal with something for a minute: every time Justin Timberlake opens his mouth, and it’s not to sing or on the stage at SNL, terrible things happen.

Now, when I say he’s The Worst, he’s not in the same Worst realm as, say, your Chris Browns or your Charlie Sheens. Heavens no. He’s more in the same Worst ‘verse as your Taylors Swifts and Joffrey Biebers. Only he’s actually worst because they’re college-aged idiots and he’s a man in his thirties, making his idiocy even more idioter. His words elicit eye rolls that could conceivably lead to a small hemorrhage. His grossly outrageous image of himself causes that nauseating douchechill of “ugh, this asshole”-ness not seen since Jorma Taccone’s art wunderkind on “Girls.” Justin is that obnoxiously foolish type of awful who thinks himself SO AMAZING and that has never been more apparent than this week at Cannes, where an already “uggghhhh” Timberlake reached new levels of nether-drying “UGGGHHH” simply by speaking.

The latest came in the form of an Italian reporter who dared not to stay abreast of Timbersnatch’s present dealings.

“It began with the reporter from Nice asking, “You have nothing to prove anymore in music, Justin. But I have a feeling that you are making some sacrifice in music just because you are so focused right now on your acting.”

“I just put a record out, man!” said Timberlake, incredulously.

“He put out two!” said co-star Carey Mulligan, who was paired with Timberlake for the round-table interviews.

“I put out a record that has a second part. That comes out this fall! Where have you been?” Timberlake kept going. “You gotta get out of Cannes, man. You gotta get out of Nice. You gotta get off your little island, man. As a matter of fact, I’m insulted. It’s very pretentious.” He then, of course, smiled, and squeezed the reporter’s arm.”

I mean, UGGHH, right? He’s like that guy at every party who makes sarcastic insults, then slaps your back with a jubilant, but too forceful “naww, I’m kidding, we’re cool.” He’s your dad’s friend who makes dumb blonde jokes. He’s GOB Bluth harping on about his suit. He is Timberlake. And he is THE WORST.

This isn’t new. I mean, this is the man who sold People Magazine a wedding cover photo that featured him jumping on the head of his minimized bride. He’s a total twat, resplendent in maximum levels of douchery, so deeply annoying that it becomes impressive, so impossibly, whinily full of himself that it viciously undermines what is actually a truly impressive career. His interviews are like a transcribed copy of every bad date I’ve ever been on, only worse because “Mother Lover” is funny and “Mirror” is such a good song, you guys.

So, JT, I must implore you. Shh. Hushabye now. Maybe you’ll get a cookie.