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Johnny Depp Proven Imperfect, Worlds Crumble: When the Good Ones Disappoint

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | June 28, 2012 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | June 28, 2012 |

A famous male entertainer has split with his wife amidst rumors of extramarital affairs. STOP REPORTING ON HEALTH CARE RIGHT NOW AS I BRING YOU REAL SHOCKING NEWS.

Except, this particular story (which is super “stop me if you think that you’ve heard this one before” samesies to the max) is coated in a clammy film of “but we thought you were one of the good ones, Johnnycakes.”

Certain celebrities are supposed to be superior. They aren’t supposed to let us down. They are supposed to remain in happy marriages until death do they part while the rest of us mere peons wallow in the shallow graves of uncertainty and instability, and, dammit, they’re supposed to like it. And Johnny Depp, by all accounts the nicest person who ever lived to wear a thousand bracelets, was supposed to be one of them.

A person who pretends for a living may not be the personified perfection we imagined him to be. How fucking dare that guy.

Which is probably why some have chosen to side with the attractive, goodly famous man and villainize Vanessa Paradis. She’s French, has dumb teeth and didn’t star in Ed Wood. Let’s get her!

We really are so predictable.

Lainey at LaineyGossip’s rundown of this is explains this whole thing perfectly. See, Johnny was all poised to be the bad guy (for this is popular culture and there must always be a bad guy). But, luckily for everyone, he’s buds with the owner of Us Weekly. Hence, Vanessa = bitchwhore. Johnny is allegedly carrying on with his publicist, making him look bad and making her look really bad to her equally powerful clients. Hence, Johnny Depp = lesbian turner (and, as Heard is not the unknown civilian his publicist is, in a much better position to deny, deny, deny). He even bought her a horse! (Note: He probably didn’t buy her a horse.)

Where we find ourselves now, the fallout, is where the star in question shows his/her true colors. In what light will they, the more powerful of the pair, allow their former significant others—the former loves of their lives, parents of their children—to be portrayed?

In the nicest guy in Hollywood’s case, as a nagging twat who drove him into the arms of other women.


All we have left is Tom Hanks. It’s on you, Tom. We’re all counting on you.

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