Hey, how’s it going? It’s a stressful day in America right now, so how about a fun, light-hearted story about relieving some tension that may or may not prove that John Stamos has the narcissism of a serial killer? Bring the kids!
While stopping by Busy Tonight last night, Stamos was positively giddy about finally telling a story about the time he masturbated to Fuller House. A show starring him and several young children in an extremely family-friendly context, which sent up absolutely zero flags because John Stamos was focused on one thing and one thing only: John Stamos. Via Us Weekly:
“This is an absolutely true story and I’ve been waiting to tell this story …Trying to get pregnant and we had to do a thing, and we had to go to a fertility, ya know, place. And I had to go give a sperm sample. I can’t believe I’m finally getting to tell this story,” he mused to host Busy Philipps. “And I went into this little room where they go, ‘Go in there…’ And they said, ‘If you need any stimulation or whatever there’s videos and there’s a TV here, just turn the thing.’ I turn the TV on and it’s on Fuller House.”
He added: “And I’m like, if I’m going to masturbate to myself it’s going to be my old self not the new one.”
Setting aside the valuable lesson that Nathan for You taught us about the bullshit veneer of celebrity talk show stories, and the fact that John Stamos apparently went, “Hmm, let’s see… the jerking it one,” I have thoughts:
1. What weird-ass fertility clinic preps the sperm donor room with Fuller House? “Ah, yes, a G-rated sitcom starring several child actors. We’ll use this for the boners.”
2. Was this a Chris Hansen sting? Because someone might want to check the closet he was supposed to jump out of and be prepared to find a body.
3. Did John Stamos forget the time he was accused of having sex with an underage stripper before bragging about masturbating to a show full of teens? Because I sure didn’t!
4. My wife watches Fuller House, so I sadly know this fact: John Stamos is barely on it. He pops up every once in a while to goose the Netflix nostalgia algorithm, but at most, he’s a glorified guest star. So while the whole “masturbating to myself” angle plays because Stamos seems exactly the type right down to having a scented candle routine, the odds of a fertility clinic having Fuller House queued up in the hard-on hangar and on a scene starring Uncle Jesse is pretty slim. But even if Stamos didn’t make it up, why the hell would you go on TV and announce to your co-workers that their work on a family sitcom helped you splooge in a cup? Who does that?
Anyway, here’s the clip, which is now painful to watch because you know what’s coming, but poor Busy Phillips has no f**king clue that a beloved staple from her childhood is about to perv the place up. It literally pops up out of nowhere, which in fairness, is kind of the theme here.
Welp, this post was a choice. Vote Blue?
Header Image Source: Getty