This weekend, Ronan Farrow’s full interview with John Mayer was released where Mayer discusses his past mistakes. Unsurprisingly, he blames his superior intellect for everything that went wrong, saying “I didn’t have a drinking problem. It was a thinking man’s fiasco.”
“‘Alright, dude, you did a couple interviews where you were out of touch and you were being a ham, and you were basically breakdancing into a nitroglycerine plant. Now you don’t even have the chance that everybody’s gonna love you ever again…I never would have wrapped my Corvette around a tree. My high speed crash was an intellectual one.”
God, even his regrets are summer fresh.
Mayer seems to understand that he said shitty things (though I don’t know if he understands how shitty or why), but also feels misunderstood. He’s a “recovered ego addict” now, and he has to protect his delicate sensibilities. He also calls the mirror “the original Twitter.” John Mayer sucks, guys.
I may seem hard on John Mayer, but that’s only because he’s such a piece of shit, and I say that loathingly. Clearly Mayer wants to move forward. So let’s look back. Here’s just a smattering of the most piece-of-shit things John Mayer has publicly said:
“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box… so when I meet someone who’s an 8-color type… I’m like, ‘hey girl, magenta!’ and she’s like, ‘oh, you mean purple!’ and she goes off on her purple thing, and I’m like, ‘no — I want magenta!’”
”[Kumail Nanjiani] looked like a brown guy but sounded like a white guy.”
“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”
“I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”
“Kerry Washington — she’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, ‘Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.’ And you’d be like, ‘What? We weren’t talking about that.’”
“My two biggest hits are ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ and ‘Daughters.’ If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.” [PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?] “Someone asked me the other day, ‘What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?’ And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n*gger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, ‘I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”
“What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.”
“My entire life I’ve tried to be a nice guy. The best I ever felt was when friends’ parents would say, ‘John can come over any time. We love that kid.’ When I date a girl and find out her friends approve of me, I love it. I love being liked! I’ve given microscopic dedication to doing the right thing, taking the high road, and all of a sudden Star magazine says, ‘He’s a rat.’ I can’t tell you it didn’t give me that much more bloodlust to do what people thought I couldn’t do.”
“The only man I’ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.”
“When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say ‘No one’s ever done that to me in bed.’”
[PLAYBOY: But before you dated her you thought of yourself as the kind of guy who would never date Jessica Simpson.] “That’s correct. There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.’”