Look, we’ve suspected it for years. Ever since she won the first season of American Idol 16 years ago, there’s been whispers, and she finally admitted it to People.com. Kelly Clarkson is a vampire—it’s right there in the headline: “Kelly Clarkson Says She’s ‘Not a Morning Person’ Even with Four Children: ‘I Am a Vampire’” Furthermore in the video I’m about to share, she comes out and says it, along with admitting she loves Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman: “I love the night.”
Don’t believe me? See for yourself:
Have I suspected it for a while now? Absolutely. She hasn’t really aged in the almost 2 decades she’s been famous, and “Since U Been Gone” is supernaturally catchy. It’s almost as if there were some vampiric magic at play—which she finally confirmed today.
Now, we have to ask ourselves some questions here:
1) When did Kelly Clarkson become a vampire?
2) Does Justin Guarini know?!
3) When did she become a mom to 4!?
So many questions, so little time—but like all things in life, these three questions are interlinked and all go back to Simon Cowell.
Now, none of my sources will go on the record for this, but I can paint you a picture … and while that dries, let me tell you what that picture is about — murder, mayhem, intrigue, and Paula Abdul. Let’s just say you’re a guy named with a name that sounds like Simon Cowell — you’re a judge on a well-known American singing show, and you’re also a vampire who turned in 15th century London — how are you supposed to feed with the white-hot glare of the spotlight on you?
Easy, you prey on your contestants — they’re the least likely to complain, right?
Now let’s say one night you were so hungry because the show ran late because Paula was being Paula — you had to eat quickly because daylight is coming. Maybe, just maybe, you went a little too far, and drank too much blood. In a panic to save your victim, you turn them into a vampire because you had to act fast. She wins the show, and all the while harbors a grudge against you. She gets married, has 4 kids, and waits for the day that she can let the world know what you really are.
Of course, she goes to People.com, it’s the most trusted source in news. She tells the world, and now it’s only a matter of time before it gets traced back to you.
I think the picture I painted tells the story better, frankly, but this will have to do. So this answers basically all questions, except for one: Does Justin Guarini know?!
…he does now.
Header Image Source: People.com