If you’re like me, last night, you watched Going Clear and had nightmares of ant-ridden double-wides and neglected babies. Scientology is scary shit in a slightly different way from other religions. Sure, most have layers of effed up but Scientology seems designed for the sole purpose of being effed beyond effery. The doc taught us that John Travolta and Tom Cruise may be too captive and in too deep to be saved, but here are some others who need rescued from the black teeth of L. Ron Hubbard.
Jason. Sweetie. Lovebug. Scientology is the stinkpalm of religions and someone handed you a very chocolatey chocolate-covered pretzel. GET OUT.
Girl, I love you. You’re freaking wacky as shit. One time you walked into Wicker Park’s Earwax Cafe while I was there and asked the waiter if you could lick the milkshake blender. LICK THE BLENDER OF LIFE AND FREE THYSELF.
You know how zen and rad you were about Kanye West? BE THAT FORGIVING OF YOUR OWN SELF, YOU LANKY STRANGE GENIUS.
Frank, Jr.! You don’t need this! We all love you like the sister who would have your baby!
KEVIN SMITH. HEAR ME. HELP THEM. Use Mallrats 2 as your intervention!
Someone needs to help Peggy, like, at once. She clearly saved herself from Fred Armisen—cutting ties from LRH is the next right move.
Jason Dohring (aka Logan Echolls)
This is almost reason enough to be Team Piz!
SOMEONE SAVE HIM. SOMEONE SAVE JADA. SOMEONE SAVE LITTLE WILLOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE AND SHE’S WHIPPING HER HAIR FOR XENU.