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In Praise of Utter B*tchery: Madonna, We've Missed You

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 13, 2011 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | September 13, 2011 |

I am a firm believer in the old Hollywood bitch. When deserved (and deserved is the keyword here—keep your amateur act to yourself, Lea Michele), there is little I enjoy more than a cold, merciless celebrity who is actively disgusted by how poor we are, and will absolutely bite your head off like a cake pop for even daring to look in his or her general direction. It’s why, where many loathe, I adore Gwyneth Paltrow for her rich bitch snizziness, and why it broke my heart when she started shilling for that middle-America dollar with “Glee” and Country Strong. With the desperate celeb need to show themselves to be “just like us” (“I pump gas into my $350,000 car—just like you do! We’re not so different! See my movies!”) we have so few Joan Crawfords and Bette Davises nowadays. We must protect the ones we have.

And that’s why I’m so pleased Her Madgeness has a movie coming out. See, we haven’t heard much from Madonna lately. We’ve seen, and we’ve been informed, but she hasn’t recently given us any of those completely out of touch, too rich and famous to function word dollops in far too long. And this past week? It’s been a goddamn gift from the heavens.

It started so small, and, yet, so grand. With Hydrangea-gate.

“He obviously doesn’t knooooo that.”

Jesus Christ, I love it.

It got better. Typically, when a celebrity does something unseemly or that in any way makes them look mean or “not someone you want to throw money at, towards and around” they dive into damage control like it’s one of their piles and piles of Colombia’s finest. Not Madonna.

“She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world,” the rep said in a short statement. “No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”


You’re right, you’re right. It’s so much sweeter when it’s rare.

BUT THEN SHE WENT ON. In the best way possible.

And then, yesterday, she gave us more. From The Globe & Mail.

Eight of those volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about the film. One volunteer told the Globe they all dutifully stood with their backs to her as she passed.

I need a cigarette. I need ALL THE cigarettes.

So, cheers to you, Madonna. Your commitment to the art of cuntness is a simply beautiful thing. Please always be you.

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