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If Justin Bieber Gets Recruited into Scientology, I Will Be the Happiest Girl in the World

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | November 21, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | November 21, 2013 |

So, things are not going well for Justin Bieber. His attempts to prove what a big strong sex-having man he is have backfired what with how his entire popularity is based upon entertaining children. Like a party clown. But, now, he’s gotten into sex, drugs and all kinds of weird racist insanity. Like a party clown. And his fanbase is not responding well. Ticket sales are down, he’s officially a punchline and his army of fetal Beliebers is losing love fast.

And, like the true scampy twat he is, his response is all “sorry not sorry.”

In a truly incredible interview with the Hollywood Reporter, Justin Bieber says lots of things that make me jump up and down and clap like a happy child, because he’s such an ice cream sundae of idiot with douche sprinkles and a butthole cherry.

Here are some dollops. Tattoo all of these quotes on your lower back with some thorns and shit so people know they’re dealing with a badass.

“I’m very influenced by black culture, but I don’t think of it as black or white. It’s not me trying to act or pose in a certain way. It’s a lifestyle — like a suaveness or a swag, per se. But I don’t really like to say the word [‘swag’] anymore. It’s kind of played out.”

“I don’t give a f—…Not ‘I don’t give a f—’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a f— what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”

“Michael Jackson didn’t do Off the Wall until he was about 23. Bad, not until he was, like, 25 [Jackson was 29]. I have all the time in the world.”

“What I represent is positivity and brightness and lightness and amazingness. Nothing negative at all.”

You’re goddamn right amazingness.

His manager said great things, too. Regarding Bieber’s assertion that Anne Frank totally would have been a Justin Bieber fan, Scooter (!) Braun said, “At the end [of the museum tour], he felt very connected to [Anne]. They had just showed him the pictures of movie stars in her room, and they said: ‘Maybe you would have been on that wall, Justin. She might have been a fan of yours.’ And he was touched by that.” He also said that “Justin’s Thriller is yet to come.” Which is hilarious because no it isn’t.

But the part I really want to focus on is this:

Bieber’s antics aren’t just attracting the attention of gossip websites and tabloids. His well-worn trajectory of child star-turned-possible-train wreck has at least some in Hollywood concerned. Oprah Winfrey, Adam Levine and Mark Wahlberg each have reached out to Bieber via calls and emails to Braun. Rita Wilson offered to have husband Tom Hanks counsel the young star. Eminem’s manager, Paul Rosenberg, told Braun: “If you ever want Eminem to talk to him, he would do it in a second. He cares about that kid.” (Turns out Eminem’s daughter Hailie Mathers, 17, was a Belieber who got to spend quality time with her idol at his Detroit tour stops.)…

But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ “

Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”


B) YOU GUYS. Scientology has totes come up and I need for Will go give Justin some churching. Then he’ll definitely become a weird robot and everything will be pure.

It’s a good day, people. The kind of day that makes you belieb in a better tomorrow. A day of amazingness and lightness and luminosiquatulance.

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