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How Many Exclamation Points Will It Take For Will Smith to Shut You Up?

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 4, 2015 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 4, 2015 |

Yesterday, tabloid rumors broke that suggested that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith were headed toward divorce, and as rumors are apt to do, they took on a life of their own. Within an hour of the surfacing rumor, the divorce was already official in the Internet’s mind, within two hours Jaden Smith had been to blame, and by midday, the former couple was cheating on their new partners by having backseat hate sex during breaks in custody hearings.

It was a nasty business, except for one thing: It wasn’t true, if you actually believe Will Smith. He took to Facebook to address the rumors:

Under normal circumstances, I don’t usually respond to foolishness. (Because it’s contagious) But, so many people have extended me their “deepest condolences” that I figured - “What the hell… I can be foolish, too!”

So, in the interest of redundant, repetitious, over & over-again-ness… Jada and I are…

NOT GETTING A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! : -)

I promise you all - if I ever decide to divorce my Queen - I SWEAR I’ll tell you myself!

‪#‎Dumb‬ People Should Have to Wear Scarlet Ds

Let’s foolishly break this down, OK?

1. Rumors of Will Smith and Jada divorcing are not new. They surface every six months or so. Why did Will Smith decided to refute those rumors this time? What’s so special about this time in relation to past rumors that circulated when they weren’t actually getting a divorce?

2. What is Smith being “foolish” about? Responding to rumors — and therefore, giving them legitimacy — or has he “foolishly” endangered his marriage by doing something dumb?

3. Why the ellipsis after “Jada and I are…” Big Willy? Why’d you have to pause? Did you have to think about it?

4. There are 13 exclamation points in “NOT GETTING A DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” THIRTEEN. That sounds awfully defensive, doesn’t it? Also, 13 is a very significant number in the Illuminati (it refers to the number of Satanic bloodlines in the Illuminati). Is he delivering a coded message?

5. What’s up with the smiley-face emoticon? Is that a sign that Will Smith is lying? Maybe, according to human behaviorists who note that, “Liars [have an] increased activity of the ‘zygomatic major muscles,’ located around the mouth, which caused them to inadvertently lift their lips into a smile.”

6. What do you mean, “If you ever decide to divorce?” That doesn’t sound like a man who is confident in his marriage. He lacks the certainty of, “I will never divorce my Queen.” That’s what I would say.

7. “I SWEAR” is a dead giveaway. Again, human behaviorists have determined that statements just like that suggest the person is lying.

Only a very small portion of the Statement Analysis techniques are based on research and observations. For example, deceptive people may try to convince you they are telling you the truth. They will sometimes do this by using phrases such as “I swear to God,” “I swear on my mother’s grave,” “Honest to God,” “Honestly” as well as several other phrases.

8. Why do the “dumb people” recall in Will Smith a reference to the Scarlett Letter, a classic novel of adultery? Is Will Smith cheating on his wife? Is she cheating on him?

It’s all very suspect, if you ask me. I mean, who are you going to trust? Will Smith? Or SCIENCE?

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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