This may be a hard article for some of you to read, but read it you must (well, probably not. You can turn away, but why would you want to?) I say this with no hyperbole whatsoever— Chris Hemsworth, Bethenny Frankel, Kelly Ripa, and other celebrities have ruined Christmas.
Well, there I was, minding my business, putting off actual work that will pay my bills, because procrastination is baked into my bones, when I decided to click on the following People.com slideshow: “O Christmas Tree! See How Kristin Cavallari, Snooki and More Are Decking Out Their Evergreens.”
What followed were 18 slides of “what the f*ck?!” Of all these so-called “Christmas trees,” including the aforementioned celebrities above, as well as Kristin Cavallari, who is also there — not one, not one flipping tree had colored Christmas lights, aka the best kind. Why do these celebrities hate Christmas so much?!
Yes, I am saying that the wrong color of lights on your tree can ruin Christmas. I was never so lucky to be visited by ghosts, successively, to teach me the true meaning of Christmas; or to have a time-traveling knight appear just when I was at my loneliest during the Holidays, so here we are.
Just look at this:
Sure, the kids look happy, and yes, the matching pajamas are adorable, but the tree? The one that was clearly decorated by the family with love and was probably a fun activity they will remember fondly, forever?
That tree?! It’s for the birds, man—it would have been exponentially better with colored lights, like mine (and bonus points for multiple Yeti ornaments.)
I grew up in Alaska. This is relevant because it is dark AF this time of year, so dark, that to counteract the darkness we embraced color in its full-force, down to the lights on the tree. I’m not sure how the whole “white lights are classy” thing got started, but a Christmas tree should be fun, not classy! Now, you may be thinking that I’m trying to foist a strong personal preference onto the world, and am being way overly dramatic in what I’m saying either for clicks or just because. All I can say is—have you met me? I reference hitting myself like Marky Mark from Fear multiple times in a week. Of course that’s what I’m doing!
However, it doesn’t make white lights on Christmas trees any less terrible (and don’t get started on curated trees with themed ornaments in a specific color palette as opposed to hodgepodge trees, which are by far superior) and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Let the Christmas tree light wars of Pajiba, 2019 edition, commence.
Header Image Source: Getty