I was all set and ready to write yet another “What the fuck is wrong with you and why are you like this?” post about Lindsay Lohan. I had already accepted the coming “Who cares and why are you wasting words on her?” comments.
Then, I saw this. And the murder lump rose in my throat.
Let me break this down. Kim Kardashian, who is famous for not being smart, not being good at talking, being offensively boring and dull, and getting pissed on while being videotaped, was allowed by a once respected publication to interview an icon.
I can’t. This is too much.
Elizabeth Taylor has devoted much of her life to charity, donating and raising millions of dollars, well into the hundreds of millions of dollars, to AIDS foundations. She suffers from congestive heart failure, has broken her back five times, has had her hips replaced, has survived both a brain tumor operation and skin cancer, has scoliosis, and has almost died from multiple bouts of pneumonia. She has been married 8 times, divorced 7 and widowed once. Mere days before he died of a brain hemorrhage, the love of her life wrote her saying he hoped for another chance with her. She has been vilified and sainted again and again throughout her life, and she carries on to this day, the picture of class and survival.
Kim Kardashian got her cellulite vacuumed on basic cable.
So, perhaps you can share and understand my pain. And if you can’t, just read this.
Kardashian, who, in fairness, is not good at doing things that involve brain power and certainly is not adept at the art of the interview, questions Taylor as though she’s a 4th grade girl writing a paper on a random old person. Her questions are cliched, as only someone who knows nothing about the very person they have decided is their idol can come up with. It’s like if Megan Fox interviewed Marilyn Monroe and only said, “you have big boobs and had sex with the president, SO COOL!”
KIM KARDASHIAN: You are my idol. But I’m six husbands and some big jewels behind. What should I do?
ELIZABETH TAYLOR: I never planned to acquire a lot of jewels or a lot of husbands. For me, life happened, just as it does for anyone else. I have been supremely lucky in my life in that I have known great love, and of course I am the temporary custodian of some incredible and beautiful things. But I have never felt more alive than when I watched my children delight in something, never more alive than when I have watched a great artist perform, and never richer than when I have scored a big check to fight AIDS. Follow your passion, follow your heart, and the things you need will come.
KK: For this story, we were inspired by Cleopatra. What’s your advice on how to be a queen?
ET: I have never wanted to be a queen! Cleopatra was a role, and I am an actor, so it was fun to play one, but it’s not real. The real Cleopatra had an incredibly complicated life, and she had to be very, very canny to survive as long as she did. For me, the most interesting thing about her was her passion. The things that are important to me—being a mother, a businesswoman, an activist—are all things that were borne out of great passion.
KK: Do you think if Richard Burton were alive today, you’d be married to him?
ET: It was inevitable that we would be married again, but it’s not up for discussion.
KK: You have always been ahead of your time—and now you’re on Twitter. What do you love about it? And [cheekily] will you please follow me? [and Courtney vomits all over her keyboard]
A) Everything KK does is “cheekily.” Because she has a giant ass, you see. B) Yes, I’m lashing out cruelly and angrily and maybe I’m supposed to be above enormous ass cracks (heh), but this bitch has done it. More so, Harper’s Bazaar has done it. Fuck every single person involved in this story not named Elizabeth Taylor, who very probably has no idea what a Kim Kardashian is.
Let’s drink the brain bleach and visit a happier time.