After years of professionally talking about celebrity skankery, fuck uppery, and general acts of dipshittery, I have learned to stop worrying and love when they get shitbombed. I have a lot to be thankful for, and now that I’ve stopped weeping in fetal position after a too on the nose Onion article, I can see that now.
Here are the things for which I am thankful this Thanksgiving:
1. Lindsay Lohan
2. Dina Lohan
3. Michael Lohan
4. Kanye West
5. Kanye West’s Twitter
6. Charlie Sheen’s affinity for bough-and-paid-for ladies of ill repute
7. Heidi Montag’s Frankenstein face and body
8. Sarah Palin
9. Bristol Palin
10. Accidental Pa(lin)jiba Week a week or so ago
11. Tim Curry
12. Mussaman curry
13. Suri Cruise
17. Those of you who will note I already made that joke on Twitter
18. Slutty Hitler
19. This comment thread
20. ,’s almost-weekly sexual advances
21. Steven Moffat
22. Matt Smith
23. Finally forgiving David Tennant
24. The movies Fear and The Crush
25. Watching this video over and over again on a loop
26. Being against violence against women
27. Except in this video
28. Not being under investigation for posting those pictures of Miley Cyrus
29. Not being thrown out of Pajiba for posting about Miley Cyrus
30. Not being thrown out of Pajiba for posting about Jersey Shore
31. Not being thrown out of Pajiba for posting about Justin Bieber
32. Tina Fey
33. Betty White’s really good year
34. The upcoming day on which we learn that Betty is actually The Highlander
35. Did I mention Kanye West’s Twitter?
36. Everything Jessica Alba says because it is all idiot gold
37. Ibid Jessica Biel
38. That How I Met Your Mother is good again
40. Joel McHale shirtless
41. Joel McHale pantsless
42. That I am now able to turn my ringtone to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas.” Yes, I am that girl.
43. That I feel comfortable enough with you all to admit that.
44. For you fine people.
45. For this Thanksgiving card I made you.
Happy Thanksgiving, my little lambtwats.