With all this talk of our lord and Yeezus Kanye West recently, my mind turned to my other favorite insufferable star, Gwyneth Paltrow. Where haters hate, I can only adore. The world of celebrity is a unique one, different from the mundane existences endured by you or I. Celebrities are better than you—IT SAYS SO IN THE TOPIC TAG, PEOPLE. And they must act accordingly. So Kanye West is going to interrupt people and proclaim his perfection. And Gwyneth is going to educate you and proclaim her perfection. This behavior is what makes the world go ‘round. My world at least. I don’t know about your life.
How can you be more like Gwyneth? FALSE, YOU CANNOT, YOU ARE A PEASANT. But here are a couple ways you can try at least.
1. Your kids might be milk addicts and their earaches are tied to grilled cheese.
Gwyneth touted the fascinating research of Kelly Dorfman, a nutritionist who touts food as the cure for all ailments and the root of all problems (including earaches). One of her beliefs is that certain foods are addictive and turn our children into baby monsters.
Tom was famous in his family for his fussiness. If his mother could wrangle him to sit down for a meal, he would take a couple of bites and then push the plate away. And unless it was ice cream, grilled cheese, milk, pancakes, or crackers, he would not even try it.
With a diet like this, you will not be surprised to hear he seemed to be sick all the time. His mother had taken him to five specialists because of his horrible mood swings and frequent illnesses. None of the doctors could find any medical problems and declared him to be fine. The next stop was a psychiatrist for mood stabilizing medicine. Tom was four.
With a history like this, I suspected Tom was reacting badly to dairy products. He guzzled milk like it was a drug and behaved like an addict. I recommended that his mother remove milk products from his diet for at least a month. At that point we could evaluate how his mood, immune system, and picky eating were doing. The first several days were tough because he went through a version of withdrawal but within a week he was trying new foods, eating chicken, and sleeping better. It was a small miracle.
Look. Yes. Healthy eating is important. But I feel like if a 4-year-old’s parent is putting him on mood stabilizers, there are bigger problems here than pancakes.
and press your vagina.
As you may have heard, last month, Gwyneth recommended LA’s Tikkun Spa, most specifically for its Mugworth V-Steam. I’ll let her explain.
You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.
If you are in LA, seriously, you don’t have to do it. Just go see the tarpits again. After this story went viral, one OBGYN, Dr. Jennifer Gunter, took to the blogosphere to say, in no uncertain terms, DON’T FUCKING DO THAT.
“Steam is probably not good for your vagina. Herbal steam is no better and quite possibly worse. It is most definitely more expensive. Steam isn’t going to get into your uterus from your vagina unless you are using an attachment with some kind of pressure and MOST DEFINITELY NEVER EVER DO THAT.”
Detoxes are totally not a thing. Unless you’re highly addicted to drugs and entering rehab, you don’t need to detox shit. That’s what your liver and kidneys are for. If you want to cut out certain foods to lose weight or because you’ve developed a real intolerance, that’s fine, but own your life and stop pretending it’s about toxins and gluten devils and dairy demons.
4. No, they’re totally a thing. Here’s how you rid yourself of them.
If you insist on detoxing yourself, here’s how you do it:
As always, the rules are simple (but tough). Just say no to: alcohol, caffeine, added sugar, gluten, dairy, soy, corn, and nightshades (white, blue, red, and yellow potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant). If you don’t want to cook, Dr. Junger’s 21-Day Clean Program is a great option, since it’s two shakes per day (breakfast, dinner) with a clean lunch in between that’s easy to source from a salad bar.
That Dr. Junger cleanse can be yours for the low, low price of $425.
At the end of it, you’ll probably feel better. That’s how diets work. But it won’t have anything to do with toxins.
5. Your child’s mattress is going to fucking kill you.
Literally everything in your house will destroy you, including your kid’s mattress (it has flame retardant chemicals which are dangerous, as opposed to fire which is totally natural and therefore good for you). This article lists everything murderous in your house and how you can replace literally every item in your house. A minor investment, but totally worth it, obviously. Unless your mattress catches on fire.
6. Bee venom therapy will cure injuries, cancer and MS.
In a controlled study from Allegheny University of the Health Sciences in Philadelphia, bee venom was found to have no positive effects at any dosage in mice with experimental autoimmune encephalomyelitis, the animal model for multiple sclerosis. Additionally many of the animals expressed worse symptoms than those in the placebo groups.
According to the American Cancer Society, “there have been no clinical studies in humans showing that bee venom or other honeybee products are effective in preventing or treating cancer.”
A Phase I study at Georgetown University Medical Center funded by the Multiple Sclerosis Association of America (MSAA) was geared towards safety in administering bee venom treatments to humans with multiple sclerosis. According to the authors, the study indicated “there was little evidence to support the use of honeybee venom in the treatment of MS”.
A study at University Medical Center Groningen involved supervised bee sting therapy (using live bees) administered to 26 patients over a period of 24 weeks, compared to a 24-week period with no treatment. They concluded: in this trial, treatment with bee venom in patients with relapsing multiple sclerosis did not reduce disease activity, disability, or fatigue and did not improve quality of life.
These are just a few of the amazing tips and tricks we can learn from Gwyneth Paltrow and the Goopers. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go let a bunch of bees sting me (for health) and set my mattress on fire (which won’t even fucking work because CHEMICALS.)