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Don't Worry, My Terrified Friends--Gwyneth Paltrow Reminds You It's 'Such an Exciting Time to Be an American'

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | November 22, 2016 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | November 22, 2016 |

You know, I was really worried about all the Nazis and white supremacists and Muslim registries and dismantling of LGBTQ+ rights and healthcare access, but, guys, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t want us to be scared. It’s not terrifying; it’s EXCITING! AREN’T YOU SO EXCITED? It’s like a goddamn bounce house right now, probably with cake.

Yes, Our Lady of Perpetual Insufferability has faced some stiff competition from Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham and other head-shakingly obtuse “empowered” women, but there can be only one Goop. One Goop to rule them all and in the darkness bind us with rolled eyes and furrowed brows.

Goopsicle attended the Airbnb Open conference this weekend. And her message was basically “how lucky we are to be alive right now” from that dirty commie musical program you filthy liberals seem to like.

“It’s such an exciting time to be an American because we are at this amazing inflection point,” she said.

Expounding on her point, she continued, “People are clearly tired of the status quo, and … it’s sort of like someone threw it all in the air and we’re going to see how it all lands. It’s very important for me, personally, now more than ever, to create a community and to remember the humanity of everybody and to create love and … understanding.”

Of the country working together after Donald Trump’s election, she said, “The most amazing thing for me about this election is I felt … ‘I don’t understand the opposition well enough at all.’ I’m not going to tell you what side I’m on, but my big takeaway was, ‘I really need to open my mind and understand better because I don’t.’”

*deep breath* OK. Gwyneth Paltrow is that one woman we all know who posts lots of dubiously quoted inspirational memes about how you can cure depression with the outdoors and by dreaming harder. They are always white, they are always of an at least comfortable financial situation and they are painfully and potentially dangerously naive.

To the Goops out there who think you are being peaceful and understanding and far superior to the rest of us, let’s just make this very clear once and for all: to “see how it lands” IS POSSIBLY NOT AN ISSUE FOR YOU. You might NEVER be impacted by this presidency in any tangible way. BUT OTHER PEOPLE WILL BE AND ALREADY ARE. There are people who are not you, who cannot be you and probably would not be you if they could. That is super great to the max that you will be fine. But maybe take a quick sec to listen to the ones who won’t be.

It’s like talking to a bunch of smiling white brick walls, except brick walls don’t tell you you’re overreacting and ask you to Google search “OK, but why do you think he’s racist?” and then tell you you’re probably wrong when you do the work for them.