It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from Head Basic in Charge, Gwyneth Paltrow. Contrary to the headline, that’s not the name of her upcoming George Lucas joint, but rather, a new facet to Goop’s lifestyle empire. But, you know, only if you make a multi-million dollar salary.
Paltrow seems to have a serious interest in our well being. From instructing us on how to live our best basic lives to how we ALL should be getting stung by bees, it’s a real wonder we don’t find her too likable. She’s taken that interest to an almost borderline obsession when it comes to vaginas, though. You may recall, two years ago Paltrow gushed (phrasing) over how all of us ladies should mugwort steam clean our clams.
Well, she’s at it again. This time, she’s touting the healing properties of rocks/minerals/crystals I guess. From the GOOP website:
Yoni eggs, once the strictly guarded secret of Chinese concubines and royalty in antiquity, harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Jade eggs’ power to cleanse and clear make them ideal for detox, too. “This particular jade, nephrite jade, has incredible clearing, cleansing powers,” says Shiva Rose; “It’s a dark, deep green and heavy—it’s a great stone for taking away negativity—and it’s definitely the one to start with.” (Read the whole story—plus a Q&A with Shiva Rose herself—here.) Fans say regular use increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general. Shiva Rose has been practicing with them for about seven years, and raves about the results; we tried them, too, and were so convinced we put them into the goop shop.
You read that right. You stick this
in your suzy.
I don’t know about you, but the real selling point for me was sticking something “dark, deep green and heavy” in my “yoni.” First, why the shit are we calling a vagina “yoni?” Secondly,
The real clincher here? They’re $66 and COMPLETELY SOLD OUT. A polished stone that is inside your persons is sold out. I’m going to need some time to myself to reassess my life choices.