'Gone Girl 2: Affleck Bangs the Nanny' Is the Summer's Best Show

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | August 7, 2015 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | August 7, 2015 |

Firstythings, the dissolution of the marriage betwixt Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck is sad. The two are generally affable, likeable people with three adorable moppets and when a marriage falls apart, enjoyment should not be taken from it. That is why I am not gleaning entertainment from their divorce. I’m gleaning entertainment from what a goddamn outmatched idiot Ben Affleck has proven to be so quickly and with such spectacular fireworks of soapy insanity.

If you haven’t heard, tabloids have been going nuts lately with news of Ben Affleck’s affair with his family’s nanny—including People, and this is big considering People spent the months leading up to the split and weeks following conducting business from a timeshare located firmly inside Ben Affleck’s prostate. Here is a real article that ran shortly following their split while every other outlet focused on his probable cheating:

That’s incredible. I cannot overstate how much I loved the early PR of this breakup. It seemed that the pair were working overtime to put out a strong message of togetherness and hard work and focus on the family.

But we now know Jennifer Garner was preparing us.

Affleck fucked the nanny. This is fact. Not admitted fact but basically fact as it is the public perception and also definitely what happened (but is also alleged and please don’t sue us). Remember in Gone Girl when Nick Dunne was having sex with his student and he was all “Andie loves me and would never go to the press” and then she immediately went to the press? You’ve probably heard this comparison a lot lately because everyone learned something from that movie except its goddamn star. Because while nanny Christine Ouzounian may not have called a press conference, she’s done far better. She’s not a Hollywood nanny for nothing. Chick learned a thing or two from her PR-savvy employer.

This is what happens when you Google “affleck nanny christine.”

Papped bikini shots. Photos of her shacking up at the hotel where they allegedly conducted their trysts. Sourced quotes indicating she’s staying there on Affleck’s dime. She thought he would marry her. She’s in love with him. At least one tabloid has her (totally probably not but the rumors are DELICIOUS) pregnant with his baby. Oh, and she definitely has pictures of his little Phantombomb.

Me right now:

Oh she’s good.

And Garner? The clear driver of this entire family’s image? Oh she can be found “staying focused on work,” enjoying a “sweet day out with her kids,” and visiting a child with cancer in the hospital.

Me right now:

Oh she’s good. Someone form a bubble around NPH and his throat.

And Affleck? His narrative is “my wife was nagging and wouldn’t let me gamble away our millions and sleep with busty extras!”

He’s not as good at this as they are. And that’s why this is so outstandingly entertaining from a purely gossip standpoint and not because of the destruction of a family blah blah YOU GET IT OR YOU WOULD NOT HAVE CLICKED.

Move over, Mr. Robot. This is my favorite show of the summer.