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Following His Latest Box-Office Bomb, Here's the First 5 People I'd Audition to Play Nic Cage in the Movie of His Life

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 4, 2014 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 4, 2014 |

Nicolas Cage’s misguided, financially risky remake of Kirk Cameron’s Left Behind looks like another box-office bomb for Cage. The good news is, the Cage remake is likely to put up around $8 million its opening weekend, which is twice what the original Kirk Cameron pic did during its entire run. The bad news is, the original only cost $4 million (and made millions, I’m sure, on DVD), while the Nic Cage film cost $16 million. Looks like Cage could not turn out the Christian audience.

Honestly, I have no idea what Cage was thinking, except that the man will star in literally anything. He’s got a castles to pay for, you know? Unfortunately, that strategy has had diminishing returns for Cage, who hasn’t had a $100 million live-action hit since 2007’s National Treasure: Book of Secrets. In fact, four of the last five live-action films he’s made haven’t busted $500,000 at the box-office.

Maybe it’s time the 50-year-old Cage took a few years off and allowed his legacy to blossom further before he makes a return to Hollywood. Sometimes, the best way to do that is to have your very own biopic. From Moonstruck to Wicker Man; from his role in the Coppola family; to his marriages to Patricia Arquette, Lisa Marie Presley, and Alice Kim — the woman half his age who gave birth to their son, Kal El — to his legal issues, as well as the real-estate and tax problems he’s had over the years.

The man’s led a fascinating life. It’s time to put it onscreen. Here’s the first five people I’d audition to play the one-of-a-kind Nicolas Cage.

1. Sam Rockwell, because he’d just absolutely perfect.


2. Adrian Brody, for those earlier Moonstruck years.



3. David Schwimmer, for the physical resemblance and marble mouth.

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4. Christian Bale, for Wicker Man alone.


5. Daniel Day Lewis, because the only person who can really pull off the second finest actor of his generation is the finest actor of his generation.


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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.