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Ever Have That Unshakable Feeling Like Nothing Will Ever Be OK Again? Me Too

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | December 7, 2010 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | December 7, 2010 |

Frankly, at this moment, I am uncertain as to why none of us are multi-millionaires. Because apparently it’s stupid easy.

The Daily Beast released their list of the highest paid actors personalities mildly to moderately orange things on reality television. And it’s sad. Though it’s not like I can imagine a list of the highest paid reality stars that wouldn’t be sad. Unless it was Matt Paxton and the 1-800-JUNK people from Hoarders. That I’d understand.

This…not so much.

The top ten moneymakers, whose fame is predominantly derived from reality television (which is why they were not all crushed beneath the tiny thumb of Ryan Seacrest):

1.Kim Kardashian - $6 million
2. Lauren Conrad - $5 million
3. Bethenny Frankel - $4 million
4. Audrina Patridge - $3.5 million
5. Kate Gosselin - $3.5 million
6. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino - $3 million
7. Khloe Kardashian - $2.5 million
8. Kourtney Kardashian - $2.5 million
9. DJ Pauly D - $2 million
10. Kendra Wilkinson - $2 million

It’s not like I’m happy that Kim Kardashian makes more money than I can actually understand as a number, but at least it makes sense to me. The chick will slap her name on and sell ANYTHING if you offer to take her photo. Literally. She has shilled for workout DVDs, perfume, cupcake mix, QVC clothes, those ugly Reebok shoes lazy people buy to lose weight, cellulite lotion, fake tan, diet pills, a pre-paid debit card, Carl’s Jr., and a toilet. So if she got paid a dollar for each product she promoted, she’d end up somewhere in the neighborhood of $6 million.

Everyone else on that list was met with a genuinely confused “how?”

Seriously. How? And add this to a list of things I never thought I’d say, but how are any of these people on this list and Snooki is nowhere to be seen? Do they pay her in pickles?

As for Conrad, her books sell in large quantities to semi-illiterate pre-teens, and she also has a line for Kohl’s. As does Daisy Fuentes. Like I said, anyone can do this. Anyone.

Bethenny Frankel, who is a Real Housewife person, has two shows and sells books about being skinny, which are sold in large quantities to semi-illiterate fat people.

Audrina Patridge, who is the one from The Hills with the inability to look at things, was on Dancing With The Stars, is getting her own reality show and apparently sells Bongo Jeans, which I didn’t realize were still being made. None of this seems like it would pay all that well. I mean, more than we make (Pajiba only pays $3 million a year. Mere tuppence!) but not $3.5 million well.

As for Gosselin, general twuntiness and all the parenting skills of Precious’s mom pay well apparently.

The Situation, I don’t know, but it makes me sad all the time.

As for the other Kardashians, I’m most confused by how they pulled in the same amount of money. Khloe, like Kim, would be the spokeswoman for Hitler Youth if they promised her at least a Classifieds ad. Kourtney doesn’t do anything except date Patrick Bateman.

Pauly D…guys, I genuinely don’t fucking know.

Kendra earned that money, so shut your whore mouths.

I invite you all to greet our reality overlords who can now officially buy and sell you. Let’s all go now and take nice warm baths with our toasters.

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