Like every week since the presidential election shattered reality over a century ago, it’s been a non-stop barrage of crazy sh*t: A murderous Coast Guard officer, a fake hate crime, Bernie dragging us all back to primary hell, and a very special poop mystery. Understandably, things are going to get lost in the mix, like a reminder from Miley Cyrus that our president is a perverted, day-glo bullfrog who enjoys a comely young lass grinding where the mushroom dong doth live.
I said young, right? Because that is definitely a factor. Via Huffington Post:
“Now, somebody who a lot of people don’t give credit to but in actuality is really beautiful is Paris Hilton,” he said. “I’ve known Paris Hilton from the time she’s 12, her parents are friends of mine, and the first time I saw her she walked into the room and I said, ‘Who the hell is that?’”
So with that information making it impossible to shut your eyes ever again, it makes all kind of sense that Donald Trump is exactly the kind of egotistical wang who watched Miley Cyrus twerk all over the 2013 MTV VMAs and thought to himself, “I bet if I call her, that stuff could happen to me even though it’d be way better if it was Ivanka. So, so much better…”
Vanity Fair reports:
Her 2013 MTV VMA performance is now the stuff of pop-cultural—even presidential—lore. The day after, while Cyrus was staying at Trump Tower in New York, Cyrus woke up to a call from Donald himself, who wanted to congratulate her on her extremely twerk-heavy performance. “I loved it,” he said.
“And now he’s our president,” Cyrus says, sighing. “You know, I said I would move away if he became president. We all said a bunch of shit we didn’t mean.
“Because we really thought: Maybe people will listen. Maybe people actually realize how detrimental this will be to our fucking country if this happens. Obviously they didn’t. But for me to move away—what the fuck is that going to change? As someone who is so proud of being an activist, am I going to feel proud of myself just running away from, and leaving everyone else here to live under, a completely racist, sexist, hateful asshole? You can’t leave everyone else to fend for themselves.”
Now, you’re probably wondering how an adulterous, alleged sexual abuser who calls up young celebrities and says, “Hey, love your butt stuff,” could possibly win 80 percent of the evangelical vote, they literally believe he’s the modern equivalent of a Persian king from The Bible who God chose to rule during a time of chaos. Yup.
The comparison comes up frequently in the evangelical world. Many evangelical speakers and media outlets compare Trump to Cyrus, a historical Persian king who, in the sixth century BCE, conquered Babylon and ended the Babylonian captivity, a period during which Israelites had been forcibly resettled in exile. This allowed Jews to return to the area now known as Israel and build a temple in Jerusalem. Cyrus is referenced most prominently in the Old Testament book of Isaiah, in which he appears as a figure of deliverance.
We’re all gonna die.
Header Image Source: YouTube/MTV