Everyday I wake up, sing ‘Morning’s Here’ to my neighbor, and go on People.com. It’s good to have a routine. Now look, I’ve always thought (and assumed everyone did too) that February 2nd is the sexiest birthday to have. After all, it’s the first non-lonely prime number in our current numerical system, and it’s the second day in the second month. Sexy, right?!
Well, you can imagine my shock when I saw that People.com has broken ranks, and declared today, January 13th, the sexiest day to have a birthday with their earth shattering headline: “Is January 13 the Sexiest Birthday of the Year?”
On this day, at least four men who have appeared in - or had some association with - PEOPLE’s annual Sexiest Man Alive issue celebrate their birthdays. These guys have wowed us as rebels and pirates. One of them is a real-life race-car driver. Another set the swoon-inducing path for a two-time Sexiest Man Alive.
Ok, first off, I have dated a race car driver. He sucked. He broke up with me, out of the blue, via text so that he had more time to work on his racing and run errands. Guess what hot shot? Had he been a better race car driver, he would have been able to run his errands more efficiently. So at least in my book, race car driver doesn’t equal anything other than grown-men-who-break-up-over-text-even-though-their-mama-should-have-taught-them-better. Not sexy.
Now I’ve never dated an official pirate, and there definitely a joke to be made here that involves the words “plunder” and “booty” but I’ll leave that up to you, gentle reader, to come up with on your own. I’m in my thirties now. Dating someone outside the law seems exhausting and not worth it. Same goes for a rebel, in all senses of the word. I’m at that point in my life where if I have three glasses of wine in a night, I have a raging hangover in the morning. Dating someone who wants to rebel against whatever just makes me tired writing it out. Hard pass.
So who are these January 13th birthday boys?
Liam Hemsworth. Orlando Bloom. Patrick Dempsey. Nick Clooney.
I’m not sure what to do with this information, to be honest. First I went to an anagram solver, put LOPN don’t spell out anything significant. Then I went to Wikipedia to see if anything else significant happened on this day. I mean, some things did, but nothing enough to ping my radar as a coverup.
Maybe it is I who has been mistaken for so long, and January 13th really is the sexiest birthday. I mean, god bless Can’t Buy Me Love, I do love that movie, but I’m not sure I’d look at a slate of the above men and think to myself “yes, that is the definitive list of sexy dudes.” Frankly People would have had me more on board if they had included it was Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ birthday, which is also today. Finally when you present a list to me of four white dudes and it’s not titled “here’s a list of white dudes” I feel like whatever you’re going to say about them becomes automatically invalidated and just shows your own personal biases. I mean, today’s Michael Peña’s birthday too, People, lest you forget.
I love People. It’s my own personal Farmer’s Almanac, but today I am going to have to break ranks with them and disagree. I may not know what day is the sexiest birthday, but I know in my heart it’s not January 13th. I guess I will now have to spend the rest of my life chasing the answer to an unanswerable question, or promptly forgetting that any of this ever happened by dinner tonight. We’ll just have to wait and see which one it is.
Header Image Source: Getty