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Pajiba Presents: How To Tell If You Are Flirting Or Committing Assault

By Jodi Smith | Celebrity | July 16, 2018 |

By Jodi Smith | Celebrity | July 16, 2018 |


I was perusing the Twitters when I came across this ridiculous bit of idiocy:

I mean, I get it. Swift has ruined my life with her terrible songs and unforgettable earworms. David Mueller, however, is shown in a meet and greet photo with his hand perilously close to the singer’s butt. Like in a cupping sort of position. Full on butt-cupping hand angle. Swift described the incident as “He stayed latched onto my bare ass cheek as I lurched away from him” during the photo.

Swift made the allegations in 2013 and Mueller lost his DJ gig at a radio station. He decided to sue Swift for that, but she counter-sued for sexual assault. I’d like to think Swift got the paperwork for the lawsuit, slammed her tiny hands onto a desk, and growled, “You wanna fondle my ass? I WILL HAND YOU YOURS.” In August of 2017, that’s exactly what happened. Swift was awarded $1 and Mueller was denied any compensation.

Now it’s July 2018 and Mueller wants to blame Swift for the downturn in his life?

“Now I’m afraid to even talk to women. I feel like I’m in a prison,” Mueller said. “I’m not myself anymore. I don’t even go near women.” - VIA

I am so sick of this bullshit, crybaby schtick from men who face repercussions for inappropriate behavior. If you think holding your hand at ass-cheek height in a full-body photo with one of the hugest pop stars on the planet and then lying about what your grubby mitt was doing there is acceptable, then you are a dipshit. If you think that is a type of flirting, you are an enormous bag of Andy Dick libidos and should never be around anyone ever. Flirting and assault are two very different things. Let me help you with this, since it seems to be something that requires knowledge above your maturity level.

Grabbing a stranger’s or acquaintance’s ass IS NOT FLIRTING

I know, it’s pretty complicated. When a woman doesn’t know you well, they would — as a general rule — prefer you keep your goddamned hands to your self, you over-confident dick swizzle. Is there touching in flirting? Of course! It’s not an ass- or boob-cupping, but it can be a light touch of her hand or shoulder. NO SQUEEZING.

Flirting should be mostly talking and body language

More steps??? I KNOW. TRY TO KEEP UP.

Talking is how you feel someone out when flirting. NOT BY LITERALLY FEELING SOMEONE WITH YOUR GRABBY BITCH HANDS. Talk to the woman like a person, because — stay with me here — WOMEN ARE PEOPLE. Do you need a break? You probably need a break.

Back now? Good. Talk to the woman about what’s going on around you, like the sporting event on the bar televisions or the fight that just broke out between two Russian dudes over at the pool table, prompting you to wonder what the fuck they’re doing here and whether you should beat their asses out of principle. Just talk.

Being nice to you doesn’t mean she wants you to touch her

When I go places and people talk to me like a person, I talk to them as a person too. Hell, I may even smile or laugh with them. This does not mean I want them to touch me in a sexual way. It just means they seem like a cool individual and I am grateful for the conversation, as I have never been to a bar alone in my adult life.

Yes, I am able to talk about basketball and break it down all the way back to the mid-’80s. No, I do not want you to buy me a drink or attempt to squeeze my left butt-cheek. My right butt-cheek is also a No-No Zone.

She will let you know if she wants you to touch her

Every woman is different, but I would think paying attention to cues and body language would clue most normal, non-grabby men into whether there is consent to touch. Is she hanging all over your arm? Finding reasons to touch you? I mean, still don’t grab at her ass or Lady Garden like you’re preparing to run for President of the United States, but just know that she is probably flirting with you too.

At this point, you can whisper questions about what you can do — which doesn’t have to be un-sexy. Probably in her ear, all classy-like. Dumbass.

Do you see? Do you understand? If not, here’s a simple way to remember the difference between flirting and non-consensual, possibly assault-like interactions:

If you touched her hand or shoulder and she did this:


Take your ass home and “Pop Pop” with yourself.

If she reacts like this:

giphy (1).gif

CONGRATULATIONS! Y’all are flirting! Proceed, BUT STILL NO GRABBING. You will know when it is time to grab, Grasshopper. You will know.