So remember when God’s chosen vessel Donald Trump had an affair with Marla Maples and eventually married her after divorcing his first wife Ivana Trump? Fun fact: Marla had a history of allegedly stepping out on America’s all time favorite duly elected president, which is particularly ironic when you remember that “cuck” was Trumpers’ insult of choice for anyone who didn’t recognize the white power of a rapey sack of potatoes.
According to a recently released trove of FBI documents on the Trump Organization that are anti-climactic as hell thanks to a comical amount of redactions, Maples allegedly cheated on Trump with Michael Bolton barely a year after they were married.
Screencap via the FBI Vault:
What’s incredible about this news is that my mom loves Donald Trump AND Michael Bolton, so this information will be a fun one to square. I know I talk about my batshit evangelical upbringing a lot, but my mom had celebrity crushes like everyone else. Along with Bolton, that list included Adrian Paul (which she was extremely vocal about anytime my brother and I watched Highlander: The Series), Pierce Brosnan, and early Star Trek: The Next Generation Patrick Stewart.
Anyway, if you’re not familiar with the second marriage of the evangelical president of choice, it ended shortly after the Palm Beach police found Maples under a lifeguard chair with Trump’s bodyguard. Turns out the real cuck was the racist bullfrog America elected along the way.
In the meantime, please enjoy this earworm whose hook I’ll catch myself singing no less than five times a day even though this song is… *checks notes*… eight years old?! JESUS. And now that I’m thinking about it, I bet this has to do with all of those times my mom blasted “How Can We Be Lovers” while vacuuming. Does therapy hurt?
Source: Raw Story
Header Image Source: Getty