Friends, I come to you today with ground-breaking and earth-shattering news. No, they’re not bringing back Happy Endings, as much as I would love them to, and as far as I know, the McRib is not back. So maybe this news isn’t as earth shattering as I have initially led you to believe, but it’s still mildly interesting if you find potential hidden celebrity marriages leaked by out-of-the-blue sources to be interesting.
Yes, friends, I am of course talking about this Tweet from IL-6 Rep. Sean Casten:
Just wait until Chris Evans tells his wife who he got to meet today. https://t.co/0qiDIMwPa8— Sean Casten (@SeanCasten) February 12, 2020
Let’s break it down, shall we?
Did Rep. Casten just say Chris Evans’ wife would be thrilled she met him? Yes.
Is Chris Evans hiding his hand to obscure his wedding ring? Yes.
As far as I know (and to be honest, since I cover inane celebrity gossip basically exclusively, this is one subject where I would actually know something, sadly. My mom is so proud of me, y’all) Chris Evans is not married. At least, he has not publicly announced that he’s married. Which means, either the good Rep is mistaken towards Evans’ marital status, or, more intriguingly, Evans has gotten secretly married.
Now, look, the wet blankets among us are probably thinking to yourself, “self, this was obviously a joke about the wife of Rep. Casten, who has publicly acknowledged he’s married, being very excited that he got to meet Chris Evans, and turning that on its head.” I mean, sure, that is humor 101, subvert expectations, blah blah blah.
However, for the people who don’t drink enough water every day, and definitely think it’s OK to eat Doritos and Jelly Bellys for dinner, you will probably see something deeper, here—more meaningful. That Chris Evans most likely has gotten married to someone, in secret, and not told the world. Not because this is the more probable explanation but because it’s the more fun one.
Now, for the leveled-up I’ll-rob-a-bank-if-you-dare-me-to-I-don’t-care-just-try-me among us, you’re seeing something even deeper. That a secret marriage was so secret that perhaps the person Evans married doesn’t know they’re married to him, yet. Yes, I am absolutely saying that much like the Publisher’s Clearing house, or any number of high-stakes prizes, that there may be someone out there among us, walking around, living their mundane life, that doesn’t know that Chris Evans married them in secret. Hell, that person could be me or you.
…it’s probably not though. Not that you and I aren’t worthy of a secret marriage to Chris Evans, but if McMillions has taught me anything so far it’s that all those high-stakes contests (which marriage to Chris Evans certainly is) are rigged by the mob, so in all likelihood, unless you have deep mob connections (and if that’s true, well, please understand no disrespect is meant) you are probably not secretly and unknowingly married to Chris Evans at present.
Oh well, another day, another non-secret marriage to a celebrity. Play us out keyboard cat!
Header Image Source: Getty