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By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | March 22, 2012 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | March 22, 2012 |

So, here’s the long and short of it. There’s this new website called “Dial-a-Star.” Dial-a-Star allows you, YES!, shoe scum peons like you!, to talk to your very favorite celebrities!*

*Celebrities may or may not be a term used ironically here, but seem to be very genuine on this website.

I’ve been on Dial-a-Star all morning, and one thing has become very clear: I’m going to throw my laptop out the window if these fucking fireworks don’t quit. But I don’t want to just mute my computer, because then I’d be missing out on the glamorous explosions of stardom, that actually sound like a toddler smacking a cookie sheet with a spoon. …GLAMOUR!

But, let’s get to the meat of the story here: the STARS! And, oh, what stars you’ll find at Dial-a-Star. There is more fame than in that movie Fame, but not the original, the remake that was also called Fame. Ironically, no one present on this website is gonna live forever, and in fact most of them have been on people’s death pools for at least two years.

I’m so sorry. I’ll stop my jibber jabber so you can finally see what incredible star power you have access to.

Donald Farmer - he was on the short-lived VH1 series “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” the one that was mostly short-lived because one of the contestants murdered his wife and stuffed her in a suitcase.

Price: $5 a minute

Brace - He’s a gigolo on the show “Gigolos,” which makes me think his number is already accessible and rather than pay $20/minute to talk to him, you could just have sex with him instead, if that’s what you’re into. He looks like Xuxa, so you might not be.

Price: $20 a minute

Alla Petrou - This is her lone IMDb credit.

Price: $10 a minute

Jaimee Foxworth - Judy Winslow from “Family Matters” who went on to do porn and then “Celebrity Rehab.”

Price: $12 a minute

Michael Lohan - Lindsay Lohan’s terrible dad, prized vagina puncher.

Price: $18 a minute

Jeremy London - the one that was in Mallrats, the one that feigned his own David Fishering.

Price: $15 a minute

Rachel Uchitel - She’s had affairs with lots of people, chiefly Tiger Woods and David Boreanaz.

Price - $20 a minute

Dina Lohan - Lindsay Lohan’s terrible mom

Price: $2-fucking-5 a minute

Nadya Suleman - Octomom.

Price: $12 a minute

Tila Tequila - human disaster

Price: $20 a minute

Then there’s porn stars and people I had to Google and this turned into more work than it was worth so I had an Eggo instead. Oh, and guess what? People are actually calling these rejects. A Real Housewife has made $6,000 and Michael fucking Lohan has made $3,000. FAME!

Well, these firework sounds are giving me ‘nam flashbacks so I really need to shove off. I’ve given you the tools you need. Now go do some networking and make some friends in high places! And by high I mean all the crack and the meth.