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Could Charlie Sheen (Literally) Win?: A Pajiba Debate

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | March 22, 2011 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | March 22, 2011 |

According to Radar, CBS lord and master, Les Moonves, is allegedly working to get Charlie Sheen back into the loving arms of the network.

I’m sure this ends calmly, peacefully and with nothing but public support and appreciation.

According to Radar’s exclusive, Moonves “wants to get the show back on the air. He’s all for it…He says certain people need to forget anything and everything Charlie’s done recently and just move on with the business at hand.”

So, I put it to you: as a business decision, while considering the potential for alienating viewers following the Sheen shitshow, how should this and AND how will it end?

An argument for how it should end — embracing Sheen: Of course it shouldn’t end this way. OF COURSE NOT. But, speaking from a purely business standpoint, one has to wonder how long they’ve been keeping Sheen at a low simmer before the past few weeks turned him to a big boiling vat of crazy. Pajibans, rightly so, disagree with me when I say this, but it doesn’t make it less factual: Hollywood coddles actors. They have to, because when they don’t, they tend to fall apart into gooey piles of insanity and webcasts. It is a sadly necessary evil of working with drug-addicted egomaniacs (or “actors” as they are more commonly known). It is the agreement one enters into when deciding to actually do this for a living; you will probably be babysitting the most terrible child you will ever see, and you have to do what it takes to keep it happy or it will piss all over the house and you will lose your job, not to mention the jobs of everyone around you. So, while I disagree from every moral standpoint I have, I refuse to believe this behavior is new in any way, shape or form, and if they’d kept the peace, he’d still be working away in inebriated bliss.

Also, the ratings would goddamn soar.

An argument for how it should end — rejecting Sheen: God that sucked. I hate stating the facts of the entertainment industry because it makes me tired and sad. How it should end is that, for once, a network should eschew money in favor of how people actually think, what they actually want. Regardless of whether or not people would gladly watch more Sheen (and millions of dollars in tour ticket sales indicate they would), it doesn’t mean they should. And, maybe, just maybe, in a candy-coated world of gummy bear joy and unicorn dreams, ratings wouldn’t be the powerhouse CBS expects. Middle America can apparently handle a crackhead holding a knife to his wife’s throat, but saying crazy shit? That they don’t like as much. They could lose a sizable audience.

Also, it would be nice if someone, anyone, said no to this man. An addict has to hit rock bottom before they can get better, anyone who has ever had an addict in their life will tell you that, and the entertainment industry is a place without a rock bottom. There is always someone who wants to make money off you, someone who will pay attention to you, people who will laugh at you and gleefully watch as you fall, but at least they’re watching. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone actually said no?

Also, HE BRUTALIZES AND THREATENS WOMEN. Sometimes he shoots them and throws the evidence in the ocean. Why the fuck do people not mention that more?

How it will end: Money always wins. It’s up to Sheen now. If he decides to come back, which he very well may not, the show will be back. If he doesn’t, CBS will feign a moral high ground and pretend they never put it out there. Hooray for Hollywood!

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