Congratulations, Morrissey, On Giving the World the Official Worst Sex of 2015

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | December 1, 2015 |

By Vivian Kane | Celebrity | December 1, 2015 |

Morrissey has a legacy of crafting anthems of tortured, bleak, and doomed romance. But anyone who thinks of his lyrics as actually romantic or maybe even sexy would do well to remember that this is also the man who crafted the pick-up lyric “Let me get my hands on your mammary glands.” With that in mind, it’s not a huge surprise that with his debut novel, Morrissey has earned the Literary Review’s 23rd annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award. Ouch.

Moz’s List of the Lost came out this past September and is about “four Boston relay runners who are cursed by an old man in the woods.” I think that’s really all we need to know to give this book all the awards, ever. But yes, there’s more. Here’s the passage that convinced the judges to dub it the #1 worst: a scene between racer Ezra and his “plucky” girlfriend Eliza.

At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.

Bulbous salutation? Whacked and smacked? 500 Days of Summer, you lied to me.

Via The AV Club.

Vivian Kane would like to apologize to anyone who was expecting the scene to have something to do with a turkey. She just couldn’t get over that picture.