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Chris Brown is a Lot Like Jesus

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | January 29, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | January 29, 2013 |

You know, when I think about Chris Brown, I usually think of our lord and savior. It’s true. Usually it’s something along the lines of “Jesus CHRIST, Chris Brown” but it’s basically the same thing.

Chris Brown, if you didn’t know, is a true modern martyr. I mean, all he wants to do is perform and be loved and we just won’t let him. We keep bringing up that time he beat up Rihanna, or threw a chair out a window at “Good Morning America,” or beat up Rihanna, or got a tattoo that strongly resembled a beaten Rihanna, or went as a terrorist for Halloween, insignificant things like that. WHY CAN’T WE JUST LET HIM BE GREAT?

So, now, after the minor infraction of beating up Frank Ocean, Chris Brown is so sad, you guys. This is how he feels (posted on his Instagram account using the elegant username “fuckyopictures”):


Also, I just want to point out that he beat up Frank Ocean over a parking space. Because that is what stable people do. GIVE HIM GRAMMYS.

You know, every time I post about Chris Brown, the reactions are usually the same. There are three camps: Team I Hate This Clownshoe, Team Stop Talking About Him and Giving Him Attention, and Team He Is An Angel So Forgive Him Already, Damn, a faction which often uses Fassbender as an example for Pajiba’s double standard toward ladybeaters.

This is both fair and unfair, as the situations are similar but different—I think Brown’s flagrance is the keyest difference. Also, however, those people forget that Pajiba is not a collective tank of groupthink. Some people like Fassbender. I happen to think he is a terrifying robot monster who probably has a sterile murder room in his basement and makes women clean their vaginas (from behind) before he will get carnal with them. And that’s okay. We don’t have to be the same or agree on everything. Some of us like certain actors other’s don’t. Some of us get offended by more than others. Some of us like some movies and some TV shows while others don’t. We are all different, unique snowflakes who come together and create this glorious mosaic of bitch and snark.

But I think I speak for all of us when I say we all have one thing in common: we all think Chris Brown is an enormously unspeakable douchemonster. Seriously. He’s the worst.

Well, almost the worst. Someone else will always have that title.

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