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Charlie Sheen to Die in Horrific Car Accident...Cue the Laugh Track!

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | June 28, 2011 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | June 28, 2011 |

TMZ, constant bastion of taste and class, has begun sensationalizing a death frankly few could fault them for—that of fictional TV character Charlie Harper, as portrayed by Charlie Sheen in the role of a lifetime as himself (for the record, I would just like to say that the Emmy voters and nominee selectors were just as high and stupid as Carlos himself).

Obviously, an exit was necessary to remove Sheen from Two and a Half Men. And, given the nature of the program, in which Jon Cryer and his giant son live with Cryer’s brother, a philandering jingle composer, some fancy footwork would be similarly necessary to remove the remaining cast members from that particular situation while still maintaining the majority of the plot and story.

Or, not, because it’s Two and a Half Men, but, fuck it, go with it.

According to TMZ, a decision has been made regarding how to deal with the main character, Charlie Harper—and that way is a fiery car crash, crushing his bones and organs and probably those of a passenger in a dreadful scene of carnage, the smell of burning death clinging to the air as passersby view in horror, unable to look away.

Fer fun! *sitcom incidental music*

Jesus, people. I get that you don’t want this clownfuck back on your set to disturb, insult, further damage Angus Jones’s young psyche and generally fuck shit up, but the death route?

There are three things wrong with this scenario:

1. You are now putting Charlie Sheen in the same realm as Phil Hartman, John Ritter and other stars of sitcoms who have actually died tragically, causing the respective sitcoms to write around it, honor those lost and move on in an attempt to keep going. Arguably, this isn’t wholly unfair, as a sane person would think the likelihood of Charlie Sheen’s death would be as high as the hooker hired to bite his taint every three hours (he’s very rigid when it comes to Hooker Taint Bite Time). But, given the fact that Charlie Sheen has discovered some kind of crack fountain of eternal life, he probably won’t. He’ll live forever until his terrible perversion and abusive nature becomes precious with age.

2. This car crash thing is an obvious reference to the two incidents in which Sheen’s own cars went over cliffs after being “stolen” (“stolen” here in quotes because you cannot tell me those trunks weren’t filled with the bodies of call girls who didn’t last until the hotel guests started complaining about the screaming like that last lucky one).

3. You are Two and a Half Men. People watch you because you’re a dumb easy way to spend a Monday night. Violently killing a character millions of people have come to love, however incredulously, is perhaps not the finest path for you. I mean, the remaining leads are now a brother, nephew, maid and mother who have lost someone they loved, however incredulously. Will they mourn? Care at all? Head-scratchingly move in with Ashton Kutcher for no reason that anyone could possibly understand? I get that you don’t want this guy coming back or able to make any return, but, come on, you hired him. You really did know what you were getting into and not a single bit of this warlock tigerblood bullshit is new. It’s just public now. You pumped billions into an insane, violent crackhead for years, now that people know about it you’re ready to disturb viewers of an incredibly stupid sitcom just to get back at him for it?

I’m simply saying it would really be just as easy to stick the character in jail or a Thai ladyboy factory. But that’s probably why I don’t have 10 million viewers a week. Hand me the crack.

Courtney missed you people a lot while she was on her honeymoon and thanks everyone for the well-wishes. Those were neat. Follow her on Twitter.

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